Saturday, September 03, 2011

Weird Song Saturday

Along Came Polly- I Haunt Wizards

Wow, I really suck at this, don't I?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Another GIF Post

Don't worry, it's a good one.

The video for Master And Servant is one I've frequently considered breaking down. Depeche Mode seems to have a thing for misguided music videos. Anyway, one thing I've always said about it is that the end of it would make a perfect GIF... and MY WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED.


Saturday, August 27, 2011

Breakthrough Chrome Extension!

Have you ever thought, while browsing the internet, that something just seems like it's missing?

Does your new, shiny Chrome browser look suspiciously like your Firefox after all?

Have you ever closed a tab and wished there was something more final about it?

Have you ever been forced to use Internet Explorer on someone else's computer and realized that you actually enjoy the spontaneous clicking noises?

Have I got an extension for you.

Chrome has introduced what will without a doubt be the latest big trend in browsers: sound. I don't mean sounds embedded in web pages or anything. I mean the same kind of exciting little sounds your OS makes when you minimize things or get an error message. I think you'll find that this selection of fabulous noises really enhances the browser experience. I, for one, now feel somehow disappointed every time I close a tab and it doesn't make a noise like shattering glass- and don't even get me started on my adoration for the scrollbar effects!

Seriously, just try it. I think you'll appreciate it.

Late Fucking Friday Photo


Bleated Weird Song Wednesday

Not fixing that typo. It's too funny.

The Sprawl- Sonic Youth

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Weird Song Thursday (What?)

Something Good Can Work- Two Door Cinema Club

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Monday, August 08, 2011


At long last... a new video breakdown!

You know, it's always good to start a music video with a dramatic scene, like a death, a fight, or shooting a TV.

80s videos love pretending the artists are playing the actual instrument instead of its synthesized equivalent. Sorry, dude, you aren't fooling anyone with your pipe organ there.

Is there some significance to the random shoelace on his hand?

So our broody artist is nonchalantly writing a song on his little keyboard while his girlfriend stares at him, because she has nothing better to do.

I don't care if she was supposed to make him knock over the glass. Broody Artist is an idiot for leaving the glass an inch from his hand on the edge of the table to begin with. However, luckily for him, the liquid as well as the lemon magically vanish before the glass smashes.

"Oh, honey, let me get that giant chunk of broken glass for you!" "I don't know if you should, baby- looks like you got a glob of ketchup on you somehow."

What the- is that, like, a school picture? Okay, this is officially creepy.

Broody Artist wants YOU! Seriously, pause it, he looks like Uncle Sam in his younger, druggier days.

Oh, he's just hallucinating again. No big deal.

Broody Artist has the exact same drink in the club as he did at home because Broody Artist knows what he likes. Broody Artist also knows he is far too cool for all this. After all, he wears pilgrim hats and studded belts and drinks pink cocktails.

Okay, that tear is nowhere near her eye. Whoever put it on with a dropper wasn't even trying.

Things I Learned From Eighties Music Videos: If your girlfriend is crying, shove her off the bed- she'll love it.

"Howdy, everyone! Man, the fog out there is awful! Hey, what's the problem? It's not my sweet studded belt, is it?"

Funny how Broody Artist is imploring the girl not to push him aside after shoving aside everyone in the room.

Oh, I see, she's getting married to someone else! Then why is everyone dancing? Is it the groovy presence of Broody Artist?

Dress Hits Floor!

What the fuck is this, the Cult of the Computer or something?

Wow, that guy she is marrying has sweet hair. For some reason he reminds me of a muskrat.

Broody Artist can't bear to look as he comes in from the all-encompassing white fog... again. This video has no continuity.

Please Enter Names and Insert Disk. Maybe they're just registering for their taxes in formal attire.

It's nice how he holds the Most Holy Floppy Disk up so the light can shine through it. Too bad the computer seems to be malfunctioning. (No, really. There is static on that screen. No continuity..)

Finally, Broody Artist can bear to look! Unfortunately, Muskrat Groom chooses this moment to assert his power... or something.

Look what you've done now, Broody Artist! That bizarre ribbon on your hand has made her weep from the area around her eye!

Do these people have a masochistic relationship? First she loves being shoved off the bed, and then he finds it unbearably sexy when she slaps him?

I guess it's supposed to show he really loves the chick that he lets her steal his hat (which he has never taken off at any other point in this video, not even in the bedroom scene). Or maybe he didn't let her steal it... damn, well, there goes that.

Now Broody Artist has got everyone at the ceremony to dance poorly to his song! Stop hijacking the wedding, bastard.

Oh, nice, chuck your shitty music at the couple. I'm sure they appreciate that.

Of course she happens to get the page with ONLY YOU in giant fucking letters on it.

Okay. Pause right here and soak in DO YOU WANT MARRY ?. This is the reason I decided to break down this godawful video. Apparently, in the future priests will be made obsolete by computers with atrocious grammar. I could ask the point of entering their names when it doesn't even display them, but I secretly hope that the final screen of this program would say "X AND Y WANT MARRY !" with the kind of animation at the end of Atari Adventure, so I'll keep it to myself.

Broody Artist has teleported to the plug! Hooray! So he rips it out and saves the day! Wait... actually, pulling the plug did nothing. What?

Instead of answering DO YOU WANT MARRY ?, the bride wisely decides to do the hokey pokey instead.

Forced to desperate measures, Broody Artist pulls a gun out of thin air! Things are about to get VIOLENT! The maker of the first first-person shooter may have been inspired by this video.

As not-so-subtly implied at the beginning of the video, he shoots DO YOU WANT MARRY ? and saves the day before vanishing into the Mysterious White Fog without even retrieving his song. Now there's a story for the ages.

Things To Do: Stop Stalking My Own Stats Page

At some point this week, someone was referred to my blog from a porn site...

I am so very confused.

Friday, August 05, 2011

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Late Fucking Friday Photo

Unfortunately, Flickr is not letting me embed this week's pick, so you'll just have to follow this link and see it for yourself. It's worth it, I promise.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Weird Song Wednesday!

Hanging on the Telephone- The Nerves

Yes, the Blondie version is a cover! I was amazed too.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Fucking Friday GIF!


Read This Article IMMEDIATELY.

Just do it. Seriously, you won't regret it. 

The article, called The War Between alt.tasteless and rec.pets.cats, is a hilarious glimpse into the origins of trolling. It is also a fascinating little time capsule from the golden age of newsgroups, when the power of the internet to bring together communities around common interests (and also communities united by freakiness) first emerged. It originally appeared in Wired magazine in 1994.

It's especially funny to see how worked up everyone got about what would today be a fairly mundane troll attack. I mean, the ISP even got involved. If something like that happened in a forum today, the incident would have likely been met with mass banning and a collective sigh of "don't feed the trolls."

A Useless Update

I am now blogging from my itouch.

God, I feel so CURRENT!

I hope you all realize that this means I can wake up in the middle of the night and post now. Be afraid.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Weird Song Wednesday

Left of the Dial- The Replacements

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Weird Song Wednesday

Nowhere Girl (1982 Maxi Single Version)- B-Movie

I wrote a story about this song once.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Belated Fucking Friday Photo

You know, I really feel like if I lived in the nineties, I would be this guy.


Monday, July 11, 2011

How I Know The Internet Has Killed My Brain:

When I saw this, the first thing I thought was: "Oh man, they missed out on the perfect opportunity to put this to Yakkety Sax."

Yep. That's it. I'm officially insane.

Belated Weird Song Wednesday

Cameo Lover (Live at Sing Sing Studios)- Kimbra

I would have posted the studio version of Cameo Lover, but this live session is seriously better.

Your Reward for Surviving the Fourth

foobar: the FUNNIEST tech glitch ive ever heard of happened at my workplace
foobar: ok.. so we run an internet storage service right?  and one of our clients is a large photo site that allows people to upload pics and view them online
foobar: well.. our software had a little bug in it .. sometimes if a file is uploaded and not cached properly by the system, the system will deliver the same file for hundreds or thousands of different files
foobar: so what happened is someone uploaded some bestiality pictures, and those got caught in the cache, so everbody uploading their 4th of july pics got them ALL replaced by the same picture of a girl jerking off a horse
foobar: 50,000 times
This lovely story was provided by QDB.

Apology #123427

Sometimes I really wonder what the readers of this blog think of me, if I actually have readers, or even a reader. I wonder this because of how consistently awful I am about posting. I post in irregularly-timed bursts, between which there are long lulls, and I can only imagine how frustrating that must be for anyone reading. Recently I discovered a post scheduling feature that could get me out of this sad plight, but I can't even get together enough spare posts to use the fucking scheduler. With my new features, Weird Song Wednesday and the Fucking Friday Photo, I set the bar very low for myself, only requiring two posts a week. As per usual, I missed it anyway.

The point of this all is that I'm sorry I'm such a shitty blog author. I know I've said this a million times before, but I will try to be better. And I will force myself to use that post scheduler. I swear. Eventually. In the meantime, I'll console myself with the idea that maybe my nonexistent readers find my utter failure to follow a very lax schedule endearing, or at the very least amusing.

Monday, July 04, 2011

Happy Fourth of July!

Play these at the same time.

Saturday, July 02, 2011

Stats Mania

I just discovered the wonder that is my Stats page. Some of the exciting things I found:
  •  The most popular search term for getting to my blog, by far, is "the radium water worked fine until his jaw came off." Who knew there was such an untapped need out there to learn about Radioactive Quackery?
  • Two lucky people, however, have found my blog by searching for "urinal spinny things." I don't know, and I really don't want to know.
  • People have also found my blog searching for "habitat of the radish" and "band names that start with 'the holy'" (which I do not understand why I am a result for, and which also apparently happened today).
  • I was visited a couple times by someone searching "if you can't tell if its potato borscht, there might be children working in the mines." I'd like to think I helped them out.
  • Apparently I also get a lot of hits from my pathetic animation of a stick figure doing the Macarena. Because of this, this is also my most-viewed post of all time, which I feel is a little unfair to all my other awesome posts.
  • People have viewed my blog from iPods, iPads, and iPhones. In fact, more people have visited my site on an iPhone than using Linux. (However, far more people have visited using Other Unix operating systems, which I find very interesting indeed. I guess I really do attract nerds.)
  • My blog has been viewed three times from a fucking PSP.
  • I have gotten hits from Iran, Brazil, Ukraine, Malaysia, Georgia, and Latvia. In fact, I got views from Latvia, Georgia, and Malaysia on this very day, which makes me feel very international.
  • My grand, all-time total of page views as of right now is 8,859, which is about 8,850 more than I expected it to be. Thanks, random people!

Ever wondered how to write a good limerick?

Well, wonder no more- as always, Wikipedia has got your back, this time with a shockingly accurate limerick template.
There once was an X from place B,
Who satisfied predicate P,
The X did thing A,
In a specified way,
Resulting in circumstance C.
This bit of brilliance was found in the Wikipedia article for Meta-joke, which has some more frighteningly accurate and inexplicably funny joke templates, as well as a collection of other jokes about jokes.

Fucking Friday Photo

All right, I know that since it's past midnight I technically missed my Friday deadline, but I was close, dammit.


Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Weird Song Wednesday!

The Vans Song- The Suicide Machines

PS: Turn your volume way up around 2:24 for a surprise. You're welcome.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Belated Fucking Friday Photo


*slaps self across face*

For the love of God, did I seriously already forget a Fucking Friday Photo?

Yes, I fucking did.

For the sake of my own sanity, I'm going to blame the surgery I had on Thursday, but still. All I have are some stitches, nothing that incapacitates me enough that I can't post a photo. I am very sorry.

The good news is that I just discovered Blogger's post-scheduling function in the shmancy new post editor, so hopefully slip-ups like this will be far less frequent in the future. And, who knows? I may just be able to diddle with the scheduling so my usual sporadic bursts of updates look more like a steady stream of posts than they actually are!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Friday, June 17, 2011

The First Fucking Friday Photo!

Edit 7/02/11:
So apparently flickr did not approve of my first Fucking Friday Photo. As of right now, it says the image is unavailable. I'll embed it again, but if it gets taken down again, hopefully this updated link will continue to work.

In Other News

I'm using the new post creator now! (Way to go Blogger, for hiding the upgrade in an obscure corner of the settings.) I can do so many exciting things now!

I can change my font! And change it again!And again! I can strike through things!  I can change the color of my writing and the area around it!   Wow, if I wanted to, I could make my blog doubly annoying by writing everything like that... but I won't. (Thank me.) I have an undo button now! I can add Posting Locations!


The Avant Garden is like a boomerang.... always comes back when you least expect it!

Okay, maybe that's not like a boomerang. But anyway.

The important thing is that I'M BACK!!!

I'm sorry I didn't post much before now, but really, what was I thinking? The end of the school year is always the craziest. Also, by now my imaginary readers are very used to disappointment. That just comes with the randomness, baby! You know, the updates at random times. I completely do that on purpose.

However, for the summer at least, a little of that randomness is about to go away. I am hereby introducing two new Regular Features on this blog: Weird Song Wednesday and Fucking Friday Photo. Weird Song Wednesday is an attempt to incorporate my very, um, eclectic musical taste into my posting schedule. The Fucking Friday Photo is just to make my sporadic Random Photos into a regular thing. Don't worry, though, Random Photos will continue, particularly if I have some kind of commentary on them: the Fucking Friday Photo is only a picture.

So there you have it! Exciting happenings on the blog. Everyone who isn't reading this should be totally jealous.

PS- This is my 200th post on this blog. Time for a vote- am I more pathetic because I've posted 200 times on this pointless blog, or because it took me almost six years to get there? 

Hot damn, I've seriously had this blog six years?

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

It's Time To Play...

When The Hell Would You Use This Clipart?

Guess What?

I am posting from my math class! Cool, huh?

We're making a graph of trout populations. Seriously. I'm not missing out on much.

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Hey Mom, You're A Mammal.

So, did anyone here ever watch Bill Nye the Science Guy? If you did, you remember they did these weird little parodies of songs about what he was teaching on that episode. They selected some odd songs to cover, including Let's Talk About Sex, but when I saw "Jennifer's A Mammal" I just had to go find it myself. It's every bit as weird as I thought it would be.

Mammals also drink Pepsi.

Soo-- happy Mother's Day from the Avant Garden.

Hello, Cruel World!

Summer is approaching! The Avant Garden is soon to resurrect! We so excited!

Provided I do not lose the will do do anything at all (which wouldn't be a first), postings of useless crap should continue irregularly from now until when my classes end.

Also, for those of you keeping track of how much of a winner I am:

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Wikipedia Flotsam

One of Banacek's verbal signatures was the quotation of strangely worded yet curiously cogent "Polish" proverbs such as: "If you're not sure that it's potato borscht, there could be children working in the mines"; "Though the hippopotamus has no sting, the wise man would prefer to be sat upon by the bee"; "A wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn"; "If a wolf is after your sleigh - throw him a raisin cookie, but don't stop to bake him a cake"; and "Just because the cat has her kittens in the oven doesn't make them biscuits."
-from the article on Banacek, a 70s detective TV show set in Boston

Sunday, February 06, 2011

The Holy Grail of Band Names

I have found the best source for band names ever, I think. It is this Wikipedia article. Seriously. Crayola has some unsung geniuses working for them, I think. Allow me to present you with some epic band names for your consideration in your rock star fantasies, and the kind of band I happen to think they'd fit.

Alien Armpit- That teenage garage band next door that plays loudly all day long during the summer.
Atomic Tangerine- The best fucking band in the WORLD.
AuroMetalSaurus- This has to be the best name for a techno/industrial band I have ever heard in the history of ever.
Banana Mania- Poppy little band that wishes it was still the eighties.
Big Dip O' Ruby- A band no one in their right mind would ever listen to.
Bittersweet Shimmer- A spacey dream pop band with unintelligible lyrics that may or may not be in Finnish. Uses fog machines heavily at their concerts.
Black Shadows- A metal band that might be Christian, or might be Satanists. No one can tell.
Brink Pink- This band is very catchy and was a critical darling until college radio played their big single to death.
Cool And Crazy- One of those annoying one-man acts who gave himself a band name anyway. Huge on YouTube.
Cyber Grape- The next big 8-bit dance music sensation.
Deep Space Sparkle- Legendary, enigmatic indie band that seemingly evaporates between albums, coalesces occasionally for jam-packed shows in NYC.
Electric Lime- Frequently atonal solo project of the singer of Laser Lemon.
Fuzzy Wuzzy- An experimental, highly artsy band that deeply resents anyone who dares to confuse them with Warm And Fuzzy. (Also, this is a weird shade of red-brown. What the hell, Crayola?)
Ghoulish Graham Cracker- A band that consists entirely of total nerds. Writes pretty cool songs, but gained most of their fan base from a painfully awkward, hilarious interview with a music magazine.
Illuminating Emerald- A dramatic band that people who try to look dark, goth, poetic, or otherwise disturbed listen to.
Jazzberry Jam- A free-form prog-rock jam band with a vibraphone player.
Key Lime Pearl- If it wasn't for Pandora, no one would know this band existed. First album: Cultured Pie.
Laser Lemon- A British synthpop duo that frequently tours with Atomic Tangerine.
Magic Mint- A rising stoner rock band that always plays dressed in green tracksuits.
Mauvelous- The kind of bizarre band hipsters live for. May actually suck, but no one wants to say it.
Mixed Veggies- Despite being one of the most disgusting, vomit-like color combos Crayola ever made, this would make a pretty sweet name for a band with a good sense of humor.
Neon Carrot- A ska band, unusual for their use of synthesizers and their lyrics, which typically deal with how much they hate various subcultures. Alternatively, a Pavement cover band.
Radical Red- A wannabe punk band that is trying a little too hard to be, um, radical.
Razzmatazz- A pop punk band with ridiculously over-the-top stage costumes. Alternatively, a Pulp cover band.
Robin's Egg Blue- A girl with a piano and a drummer who writes songs that are ethereally pretty as long as no one bothers to look up the lyrics...
Rotten Tooth Fairy- An angry, not particularly intelligent but greatly amusing all-girl punk band.
Screamin' Green- One insane guy with a drumset who is astoundingly well-liked by the music critics. Alternatively, a Screaming Trees cover band.
Smashed Pumpkin- Do I even need to say it? I have to give a nod to the folks over at Crayola for throwing this band reference most kids would never understand into their scented crayons.
Spiro Disco Ball- An indie band from Florida whose most popular songs make fun of TV shows.
Spring Frost- A very pretty acoustic folky act. Currently recording their next album in a shack north of the Arctic circle in Alaska.
Stonewashed- These poor guys never got the memo that Nickelback isn't cool anymore.
Sunburnt Cyclops- Indie rock outfit famed for their completely impenetrable lyrics, which some people think are deeply profound.
Sunglow- Surf rock revival. Their drummer is in five other bands, so they go on hiatus a lot.
Unmellow Yellow- A grungy band that's been around for years but still hasn't been "discovered."
Warm And Fuzzy- A hardcore thrash metal band that sacrifices stuffed animals at their concerts.
Wild Blue Yonder- A band that can't decide whether they should avoid country-like songs or not. The confusion is getting the better of them. A fan campaign to keep them from breaking up is in full force.
Wintergreen Dream- An obscure little band that writes absurdly happy songs and claps a lot.
Zombie Laundry- Everyone cool agrees this is the best band ever, even if you can only get their songs from MySpace.

Now playing: Dogs Die In Hot Cars - I Love You 'Cause I Have To
via FoxyTunes


Watch this. Just watch it. I don't even need to break it down; the commenters already did that for me. You'll need to watch it a few times through to catch all the notes, but it is SO worth it. There are not many things that have actually made me cry laughing. This is one of them. Presenting: Indestructible Magical Quality Van, Annotated.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Thursday, January 13, 2011

And now, an actual quote from Wikipedia.

Confetti is commonly used at social gatherings such as parties, weddings, and Bar Mitzvahs, but is considered taboo at funerals.
-from the Wikipedia article on confetti, which seems to have been flagged for cleanup for almost two years. Hopefully nobody ever thinks to take out this glorious line.

Now playing: Pixies - Velouria
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Oh, Jarvis.

Huge props to L for giving this to me. This is a gif from the video for Common People by Pulp, which is rife with awkward dancing like this. It makes me really happy. I should probably go to bed... naaaah.

There will be another video breakdown, by the way, hopefully soon. There are just so many great possibilities out there... people make so many crappy videos.

Memes from Other Countries

...are actually really awesome.

Take Makmende, for example. His name is from a corruption of "make my day," as in "go ahead, make my day." He is the Kenyan Chuck Norris. (I'm serious- according to the infallible Wikipedia, "only Makmende could do or attempt to do the impossible.") He can appear anywhere, and he will fuck your shit up.

You will want to make this full-screen.

I have to admit, this is more badass than any English-speaking meme I've seen yet. Apparently "Makmende Amerudi!" is Swahili for "Makmende is Back!"

Also, "I feel really, like, engaged in this active process." Now, is this Engrish or the worst pick-up line ever? I don't know, but I find it really funny. This is probably because of the time. I also love how whenever he takes off his sunglasses, you know that shit's serious.

Say it with me now: Buuuurn.

His speeches leave the impression of an army of pompous phrases moving over the landscape in search of an idea. Sometimes these meandering words would actually capture a struggling thought and bear it triumphantly a prisoner in their midst, until it died of servitude and overwork.
–William McAdoo, on William G. Harding

Sunday, January 02, 2011

It's like a perpetual motion machine...

You know you want to put this on repeat and stare at it for hours.

Happy New Year!

2011? Dude, weren't we supposed to be living on Mars by now?