At long last... a new video breakdown!
You know, it's always good to start a music video with a dramatic scene, like a death, a fight, or shooting a TV.
80s videos love pretending the artists are playing the actual instrument instead of its synthesized equivalent. Sorry, dude, you aren't fooling anyone with your pipe organ there.
Is there some significance to the random shoelace on his hand?
So our broody artist is nonchalantly writing a song on his little keyboard while his girlfriend stares at him, because she has nothing better to do.
I don't care if she was supposed to make him knock over the glass. Broody Artist is an idiot for leaving the glass an inch from his hand on the edge of the table to begin with. However, luckily for him, the liquid as well as the lemon magically vanish before the glass smashes.
"Oh, honey, let me get that giant chunk of broken glass for you!" "I don't know if you should, baby- looks like you got a glob of ketchup on you somehow."
What the- is that, like, a school picture? Okay, this is officially creepy.
Broody Artist wants YOU! Seriously, pause it, he looks like Uncle Sam in his younger, druggier days.
Oh, he's just hallucinating again. No big deal.
Broody Artist has the exact same drink in the club as he did at home because Broody Artist knows what he likes. Broody Artist also knows he is far too cool for all this. After all, he wears pilgrim hats and studded belts and drinks pink cocktails.
Okay, that tear is nowhere near her eye. Whoever put it on with a dropper wasn't even trying.
Things I Learned From Eighties Music Videos: If your girlfriend is crying, shove her off the bed- she'll love it.
"Howdy, everyone! Man, the fog out there is awful! Hey, what's the problem? It's not my sweet studded belt, is it?"
Funny how Broody Artist is imploring the girl not to push him aside after shoving aside everyone in the room.
Oh, I see, she's getting married to someone else! Then why is everyone dancing? Is it the groovy presence of Broody Artist?
Dress Hits Floor!
What the fuck is this, the Cult of the Computer or something?
Wow, that guy she is marrying has sweet hair. For some reason he reminds me of a muskrat.
Broody Artist can't bear to look as he comes in from the all-encompassing white fog... again. This video has no continuity.
Please Enter Names and Insert Disk. Maybe they're just registering for their taxes in formal attire.
It's nice how he holds the Most Holy Floppy Disk up so the light can shine through it. Too bad the computer seems to be malfunctioning. (No, really. There is static on that screen. No continuity..)
Finally, Broody Artist can bear to look! Unfortunately, Muskrat Groom chooses this moment to assert his power... or something.
Look what you've done now, Broody Artist! That bizarre ribbon on your hand has made her weep from the area around her eye!
Do these people have a masochistic relationship? First she loves being shoved off the bed, and then he finds it unbearably sexy when she slaps him?
I guess it's supposed to show he really loves the chick that he lets her steal his hat (which he has never taken off at any other point in this video, not even in the bedroom scene). Or maybe he didn't let her steal it... damn, well, there goes that.
Now Broody Artist has got everyone at the ceremony to dance poorly to his song! Stop hijacking the wedding, bastard.
Oh, nice, chuck your shitty music at the couple. I'm sure they appreciate that.
Of course she happens to get the page with ONLY YOU in giant fucking letters on it.
Okay. Pause right here and soak in DO YOU WANT MARRY ?. This is the reason I decided to break down this godawful video. Apparently, in the future priests will be made obsolete by computers with atrocious grammar. I could ask the point of entering their names when it doesn't even display them, but I secretly hope that the final screen of this program would say "X AND Y WANT MARRY !" with the kind of animation at the end of Atari Adventure, so I'll keep it to myself.
Broody Artist has teleported to the plug! Hooray! So he rips it out and saves the day! Wait... actually, pulling the plug did nothing. What?
Instead of answering DO YOU WANT MARRY ?, the bride wisely decides to do the hokey pokey instead.
Forced to desperate measures, Broody Artist pulls a gun out of thin air! Things are about to get VIOLENT! The maker of the first first-person shooter may have been inspired by this video.
As not-so-subtly implied at the beginning of the video, he shoots DO YOU WANT MARRY ? and saves the day before vanishing into the Mysterious White Fog without even retrieving his song. Now there's a story for the ages.
1 hour ago