Watch this. Just watch it. I don't even need to break it down; the commenters already did that for me. You'll need to watch it a few times through to catch all the notes, but it is SO worth it. There are not many things that have actually made me cry laughing. This is one of them. Presenting: Indestructible Magical Quality Van, Annotated.
Confetti is commonly used at social gatherings such as parties, weddings, and Bar Mitzvahs, but is considered taboo at funerals.
-from the Wikipedia article on confetti, which seems to have been flagged for cleanup for almost two years. Hopefully nobody ever thinks to take out this glorious line.
This video can be explained, somewhat. But first, just revel in the sheer crappy glory of this video.
And the sun rises in crappy CGI-land. Meanwhile, two meteors, a jet stream, and a ball of interstellar crap approach the earth, promising certain doom... Or just a drunkenly dancing fire guy, an overeager water guy, a super happy... uh... dust guy, and a rather unenthusiastic... not even trying to identify this one. Fire Guy is amused by Dust Guy's pointing. What the hell is Fire Guy doing with his fingers... Oh wow, Water Guy is totally rocking out. I love that dancing right there. So awkward. So jerky. WTF Guy is raisin' da roof. That's a great idea, Fire Guy. I want to kill this video with fire too. There is absolutely nothing I can say to make this dance more hilarious than it is. It feels appropriate that it appears to be Fire Guy's creation. And now we have a fatal-looking ball of... um... colors, which symbolizes... um... I'm going to go with Daler Mehndi's love for the green screen. I love the sketchy way Fire Guy just appears and puts an arm on Dust Guy's shoulder. Oh my, look what Water Guy is doing with his hands. I shall dub it the Indian awkward turtle. Fire Guy is amused once again. Oh no, this time our favorite Magical Indian Wonder Twins are doing a variation on Dust Guy's favorite pointing dance, rather poorly synced. I TAKE THAT BACK FROM EARLIER. I LOVE THIS DANCING MORE. Now THAT is Fiddler on the Roof worthy. I am totally busting that out the next time I am on a dance floor. What the hell is it with Dust Guy and pointing? And now the Wonder Twins convene enthusiastically in front of a fancy castle. Look at how Dust Guy is kind of bouncing. I'm also very worried that Fire Guy seemed to gesture to something under his velvet robe. Be careful with that, Water Guy, you might hurt yourself. I like these individual close-up shots. Oh, that last dance is a new one. Once again, Dust Guy does not disappoint. Oh no, now Fire Guy is depressed! Luckily for him, his Magical Wonder Twins are determined to cheer him up. I mean, look how perky they all are. He seems unconvinced, but finally relents to their Magical Blinding Wonder Twin Secret Handshake, which restores things to order, as they do their stupid dance in sync once more. Um, what is going on here, their dancing reminds me of seaweed. That is generally a bad thing to compare someone's dancing to. It would appear WTF Guy has the power to make... uh... earth waves by banging on stone! I wonder what happens when he falls? He can open bottomless abysses when he does so, too. This guy had better never trip on his crushed-velvet robe. The others disapprove of the bottomless abyss. And things return to normal- that is, as normal as That Dancing could ever be. Sadly, now it is time for the Magical Indian Wonder Twins to return to Magical India-WonderTwinLand. Fire Guy burns up, Water Guy... uh... gets all swirly and disappears, Dirt Guy is beamed up, and finally WTF guy explodes, becoming... okay, I give up.
There. Wasn't that a nice visit? Now I can explain this video. Have no fear, it only makes this more hilarious. This video is by one guy, an Indian pop star named Daler Mehndi, in 1998. It was the first Indian video to use a green screen, which made it wildly popular. So yes, as you secretly suspected, that video is seriously just one guy with a green screen. To add one final level of hilarity? Supposedly, Mehndi made the video in response to critics who claimed he was only popular because of the dancing models featured in his other videos.
I just picked this up around the internet, so sadly I can't credit it to anyone. Whoever made it is brilliant, however. It's the most amazing mondegreen I have yet seen. Can you figure out what it's from? (PS: All my Wikipedia links are secure now because I use this Firefox add-on. You should check it out.)
Remember how I broke down that video of Sedated Shaun not so long ago? That was so much fun, I decided to do it again. But this time, I'm taking down a video of Operation Cue, a nuclear bomb test in Nevada in 1955.
I'm not sure what these Sheeple Files mentioned at the beginning are, but I like them already. A real-life nuclear detonation broadcast on TV? Damn, TV ain't what it used to be. I think I might have spotted Pinnochio's cousin. No, really, go back and look at that person wrapped up in white. The hell? Somehow the presence of a white truck clearly labeled Casualty Control does not make this feel very safe. That implies there will be casualties and they're only there to make sure they don't get too out of hand. I'm looking for volunteer work right now. Unfortunately, I haven't had the luck to find a chance to observe an H-bomb test from a "trench relatively close to Ground Zero." It's the most exciting way to get cancer around! I love that the goggles are considered the only protection necessary. That countdown interspersed with vague shadowy scenes looks straight out of a horror movie. Listen to that music right after the bomb goes off. It's amazing. And now for some footage of the Test Objects, as Mrs. Narrator so delicately called them, getting blown to hell. Keep listening to the background music. It sounds like the Closet Killer Paramount theme in places. I think they put more effort into the soundtrack than the video. I also think whoever wrote this soundtrack was a good bit more frightened of the test than Mrs. Narrator, who remains blithely excited through the whole video. I saw the video of the house at 2:25 in a documentary about nukes as a small child. It may have scarred me for life. Oh. My. God. Were mannequins really necessary for this test??? Namely, child mannequins? Those things are creepy enough without a context... Also, because the joke had to be made: That house was so built for a nuclear family. Yes, wait twenty-four hours to view the wreckage. By that point everything should be through except the radiation, and who cares about that? The concrete bunker house survived! What a surprise. Okay, new Mr. Narrator, I know you're happy your improvements did something, but I don't think more structural integrity is going to help when there's no roof and nothing left inside the house. How are we supposed to tell that blast shelters cannot be relied on from that shot? It looks like their mannequin test subjects are doing just fine. Then again, mannequins usually look like they're doing just fine. Hooray for reinforced bathrooms! If the apocalypse comes while you're on the john, you should be just fine. Awkward handshake sighted. Who cares about everything else- if we get bombed tomorrow, the consumer-sized tanks of petroleum should be intact! Civilization shall live on! I like how this video assumes that if the Reds push the button, the first order of business in the US will be to make sure the oil is okay, the electricity is on, and the radio is broadcasting. They had fallout shelters for the government, after all, so everyone important would be okay. "Do you remember this young lady?" I don't think I want to. I really do not think what the blast did to the mannequin's clothes should be a priority. His new dark suit is charred? I think he looks a bit charred himself. Mmmm, potentially irradiated roast beef. Nice to know that after the nuclear holocaust, we'll at least have delicious food. Thanks for reminding us it's a test. I would have thought some random houses in the middle of the desert filled with mannequins would be an ideal target for the Soviets. "Multimegaton weapons would result in much greater damage over a larger area." NO SHIT Let me amend that last sentence: "...as we plan for the survival of our homes, our families, our mannequins, our radio stations, our electricity, our oil supply, our delicious roast beef, and our nation in... The Nuclear Age."
Breaking News! A tourism press release from Massachusetts reveals that there are, in fact, not 1,000 places worth seeing in the state. There are 996- and some of them no longer exist. Well, I know where I'm going for a day trip this weekend!
I have recently discovered a new series of anti-drug PSAs. They're from drugfreeworld.org and they all follow the same formula: 1. Kid says "They said taking *insert drug here* would make me *insert adjective here*." 2. Puzzling video montage showing bad things happening to Kid 3. Kid voiceover going "They lied!" Now, this in itself is just a recipe for cheesiness. To my surprise, a few of them were actually pretty well done. A few. The rest are varying degrees of wtf-inducing bad. I picked out the three worst to share with you.
In third place, we have Bad Trip, or Why E Is Scary:
My main issue with this one is that there is absolutely no reason offered as to why E is bad. It only appears to make you scared or tired or something (I still can't figure out to save my life what the hell is going on in this video) and gives you confusing hallucinations with funky Europop background music. The only actual message offered is that it isn't fun. Also, I really love the way this girl says "they lied." Go on, just go listen to it again.
In second place we have Sedated Shaun, or Why Painkillers Make You Creepy:
Okay. I have a lot of issues with this video. I'll just go through them in the order they appear here. Even if you're Abusing painkillers the way this video is talking about, you don't usually take pills in giant handfuls the way this kid does. I mean, holy crap. Also, is it even possible to pop that many without water? Depressing music FTW. How the hell does this kid get from place to place, teleporting? I mean, it's implied that he's too sedated to walk or even talk. For someone that heavily medicated, he plays damn good piano. The rest of the commercial makes you expect him to just faceplant on the keys. Is it just me, or is the scene with him in front of the curtains really freaking creepy? Holy soap-opera acting, batman! I like how when he OD's he conveniently has a whole empty bottle of pills right next to him, even though previously he never took any out of the bathroom. They are leaving nothing to assumption here. And finally- WHY IS HE RANDOMLY STANDING IN A POOL FULLY CLOTHED? After OD'ing, no less! Why? Why????
And, in first place! The winner is Infinite Insanity, or Why Acid Is... Fun?
I. Love. This. Clip. Is it just me, or does it make acid look really fun? Why couldn't they have broken out the fancy Confusing Hallucination Effects on this PSA instead of the E one? It would actually make sense here. Note the amount of times he appears wearing stereotypical hippie gear. Fail, drugfreeworld.org, epic fail. And finally- the rambling. That alone was enough to get this video first place. I LOVE the rambling. If you don't have the patience to keep watching it until you get it all, allow me to take it down- "There's a separate universe inside each and every one of us. You kill 'em. We're not gonna kill 'em. Reality is the prison of the mind, and when we die, black holes of our mind open up, and we're forced through the gates to infinite insanity." Yeaaaah, man. Is it really only acid that can make you have this kind of deep funky thoughts? I thought pretty much any type of psychoactive drug would. Either way, it's great.
This is just amazing. Jim Theis, the author of this masterwork, has the most amazing talent for writing cringe-worthy, innuendo-laced dialogue and vague, ambiguous prose, all shot through with confounding tense changes and inappropriate word usage. But best of all are his detailed descriptions. I dare you to take them literally. If you can find one that doesn't leave you seeing the world of Norgolia looking like the painting of an insane, aspiring Picasso, you have far more talent than I.
But the biggest challenge of all, which is a tradition that has long been treasured at sci-fi conventions: Read the whole thing aloud without bursting into laughter.
If there's one thing that miffs me on the web, it's stuff like this: heyyyyyy i like ur blog cuz itz cool k cul8r!!!!! I understand using it for texts if you get charged by the character. Heck, if you got charged by the character, I'd shorten even more that that. I'd abbreviate everything. It would be funny. I love abbreviating random things. I would just write stuff like SWU? and people would have to guess what it meant (in this case I was thinking So, what's up?). But on the internet there's no reason for it. It's just plain lazy. Not to mention bad grammar irritates me. Grammar Nazi here! So when I saw this avatar today, I was like "Heck, yes!" Enjoy The Grammar Geek avatar!
