I should just shave my head

I've grown my hair out some lately. It was a bob; now it's just to my shoulders, and looks kind of awkward, because it's too long to still be a bob. It's outgrown itself. I could embrace the awkward, disheveled look, or I could get a new haircut. Right now it's looking like I may have to embrace it.

I am looking at hairdos, and I am ready to pull my hair out. Seriously. It looks like there may be no haircut on Earth, indeed in the universe, that will meet my constraints. They are:
1. NO SIDE BANGS. Seriously. I like seeing.
2. It should be low-maintenance. For a while I had hair that was past my butt, and I would have to get up an hour earlier just to have time to brush it all out, let alone style it. In that period I think I used up my lifetime ration of patience with my own hair. Now I can't stand to touch it besides brushing and washing. It can do as it pleases.

Not only are all of the hairdos I've found on models with bizarre clothing in avant-garde lighting, but some of the hairdos themselves fail far too epically to be ignored.
This woman looks like she got in a fight with a rogue curling iron. And lost.

If this 'do was supposed to make the afro cool again, it's not working.

Next we have the indecisive cut- To side bang or not to side bang? Meh, screw it, both!

Well, either it's indecisive or the hairstylist passed out midway through cutting the bangs. I'm not sure.

And finally we have this "very sexy" and "incredibly clean" style:

Hang on. That looks an awful lot like a mullet. Business in the front, party in the back!