Another GIF Post

Don't worry, it's a good one.

The video for Master And Servant is one I've frequently considered breaking down. Depeche Mode seems to have a thing for misguided music videos. Anyway, one thing I've always said about it is that the end of it would make a perfect GIF... and MY WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED.

BEHOLD:

Breakthrough Chrome Extension!

Have you ever thought, while browsing the internet, that something just seems like it's missing?

Does your new, shiny Chrome browser look suspiciously like your Firefox after all?

Have you ever closed a tab and wished there was something more final about it?

Have you ever been forced to use Internet Explorer on someone else's computer and realized that you actually enjoy the spontaneous clicking noises?

Have I got an extension for you.

Chrome has introduced what will without a doubt be the latest big trend in browsers: sound. I don't mean sounds embedded in web pages or anything. I mean the same kind of exciting little sounds your OS makes when you minimize things or get an error message. I think you'll find that this selection of fabulous noises really enhances the browser experience. I, for one, now feel somehow disappointed every time I close a tab and it doesn't make a noise like shattering glass- and don't even get me started on my adoration for the scrollbar effects!

Seriously, just try it. I think you'll appreciate it.

Late Fucking Friday Photo

(source)

Bleated Weird Song Wednesday

Not fixing that typo. It's too funny.

The Sprawl- Sonic Youth

Slightly Late Fucking Friday Photo

(source)

Weird Song Thursday (What?)

Something Good Can Work- Two Door Cinema Club

Belated Fucking Friday Photo

(still from the music video for The Metro by Berlin)

Weird Song Wednesday

Doledrums- The Chills

DO YOU WANT MARRY ?

At long last... a new video breakdown!


You know, it's always good to start a music video with a dramatic scene, like a death, a fight, or shooting a TV.

80s videos love pretending the artists are playing the actual instrument instead of its synthesized equivalent. Sorry, dude, you aren't fooling anyone with your pipe organ there.

Is there some significance to the random shoelace on his hand?

So our broody artist is nonchalantly writing a song on his little keyboard while his girlfriend stares at him, because she has nothing better to do.

I don't care if she was supposed to make him knock over the glass. Broody Artist is an idiot for leaving the glass an inch from his hand on the edge of the table to begin with. However, luckily for him, the liquid as well as the lemon magically vanish before the glass smashes.

"Oh, honey, let me get that giant chunk of broken glass for you!" "I don't know if you should, baby- looks like you got a glob of ketchup on you somehow."

What the- is that, like, a school picture? Okay, this is officially creepy.

Broody Artist wants YOU! Seriously, pause it, he looks like Uncle Sam in his younger, druggier days.

Oh, he's just hallucinating again. No big deal.

Broody Artist has the exact same drink in the club as he did at home because Broody Artist knows what he likes. Broody Artist also knows he is far too cool for all this. After all, he wears pilgrim hats and studded belts and drinks pink cocktails.

Okay, that tear is nowhere near her eye. Whoever put it on with a dropper wasn't even trying.

Things I Learned From Eighties Music Videos: If your girlfriend is crying, shove her off the bed- she'll love it.

"Howdy, everyone! Man, the fog out there is awful! Hey, what's the problem? It's not my sweet studded belt, is it?"

Funny how Broody Artist is imploring the girl not to push him aside after shoving aside everyone in the room.

Oh, I see, she's getting married to someone else! Then why is everyone dancing? Is it the groovy presence of Broody Artist?

Dress Hits Floor!

What the fuck is this, the Cult of the Computer or something?

Wow, that guy she is marrying has sweet hair. For some reason he reminds me of a muskrat.

Broody Artist can't bear to look as he comes in from the all-encompassing white fog... again. This video has no continuity.

Please Enter Names and Insert Disk. Maybe they're just registering for their taxes in formal attire.

It's nice how he holds the Most Holy Floppy Disk up so the light can shine through it. Too bad the computer seems to be malfunctioning. (No, really. There is static on that screen. No continuity..)

Finally, Broody Artist can bear to look! Unfortunately, Muskrat Groom chooses this moment to assert his power... or something.

Look what you've done now, Broody Artist! That bizarre ribbon on your hand has made her weep from the area around her eye!

Do these people have a masochistic relationship? First she loves being shoved off the bed, and then he finds it unbearably sexy when she slaps him?

I guess it's supposed to show he really loves the chick that he lets her steal his hat (which he has never taken off at any other point in this video, not even in the bedroom scene). Or maybe he didn't let her steal it... damn, well, there goes that.

Now Broody Artist has got everyone at the ceremony to dance poorly to his song! Stop hijacking the wedding, bastard.

Oh, nice, chuck your shitty music at the couple. I'm sure they appreciate that.

Of course she happens to get the page with ONLY YOU in giant fucking letters on it.

Okay. Pause right here and soak in DO YOU WANT MARRY ?. This is the reason I decided to break down this godawful video. Apparently, in the future priests will be made obsolete by computers with atrocious grammar. I could ask the point of entering their names when it doesn't even display them, but I secretly hope that the final screen of this program would say "X AND Y WANT MARRY !" with the kind of animation at the end of Atari Adventure, so I'll keep it to myself.

Broody Artist has teleported to the plug! Hooray! So he rips it out and saves the day! Wait... actually, pulling the plug did nothing. What?

Instead of answering DO YOU WANT MARRY ?, the bride wisely decides to do the hokey pokey instead.

Forced to desperate measures, Broody Artist pulls a gun out of thin air! Things are about to get VIOLENT! The maker of the first first-person shooter may have been inspired by this video.

As not-so-subtly implied at the beginning of the video, he shoots DO YOU WANT MARRY ? and saves the day before vanishing into the Mysterious White Fog without even retrieving his song. Now there's a story for the ages.

Things To Do: Stop Stalking My Own Stats Page

At some point this week, someone was referred to my blog from a porn site...

I am so very confused.

Fucking Friday Photo

SO NINETIES

(source)

Weird Song Wednesday

Saints- The Breeders

Late Fucking Friday Photo

Unfortunately, Flickr is not letting me embed this week's pick, so you'll just have to follow this link and see it for yourself. It's worth it, I promise.

Weird Song Wednesday!

Hanging on the Telephone- The Nerves


Yes, the Blondie version is a cover! I was amazed too.

Fucking Friday GIF!

(source)

Read This Article IMMEDIATELY.

Just do it. Seriously, you won't regret it. 

The article, called The War Between alt.tasteless and rec.pets.cats, is a hilarious glimpse into the origins of trolling. It is also a fascinating little time capsule from the golden age of newsgroups, when the power of the internet to bring together communities around common interests (and also communities united by freakiness) first emerged. It originally appeared in Wired magazine in 1994.

It's especially funny to see how worked up everyone got about what would today be a fairly mundane troll attack. I mean, the ISP even got involved. If something like that happened in a forum today, the incident would have likely been met with mass banning and a collective sigh of "don't feed the trolls."

A Useless Update

I am now blogging from my itouch.

God, I feel so CURRENT!

I hope you all realize that this means I can wake up in the middle of the night and post now. Be afraid.

Weird Song Wednesday

Left of the Dial- The Replacements

Fucking Friday Photo

(source)

Weird Song Wednesday

Nowhere Girl (1982 Maxi Single Version)- B-Movie


I wrote a story about this song once.

Belated Fucking Friday Photo

You know, I really feel like if I lived in the nineties, I would be this guy.

(source)

How I Know The Internet Has Killed My Brain:

When I saw this, the first thing I thought was: "Oh man, they missed out on the perfect opportunity to put this to Yakkety Sax."

Yep. That's it. I'm officially insane.

Belated Weird Song Wednesday

Cameo Lover (Live at Sing Sing Studios)- Kimbra


I would have posted the studio version of Cameo Lover, but this live session is seriously better.

Your Reward for Surviving the Fourth

foobar: the FUNNIEST tech glitch ive ever heard of happened at my workplace
foobar: ok.. so we run an internet storage service right?  and one of our clients is a large photo site that allows people to upload pics and view them online
foobar: well.. our software had a little bug in it .. sometimes if a file is uploaded and not cached properly by the system, the system will deliver the same file for hundreds or thousands of different files
foobar: so what happened is someone uploaded some bestiality pictures, and those got caught in the cache, so everbody uploading their 4th of july pics got them ALL replaced by the same picture of a girl jerking off a horse
foobar: 50,000 times

This lovely story was provided by QDB.

Apology #123427

Sometimes I really wonder what the readers of this blog think of me, if I actually have readers, or even a reader. I wonder this because of how consistently awful I am about posting. I post in irregularly-timed bursts, between which there are long lulls, and I can only imagine how frustrating that must be for anyone reading. Recently I discovered a post scheduling feature that could get me out of this sad plight, but I can't even get together enough spare posts to use the fucking scheduler. With my new features, Weird Song Wednesday and the Fucking Friday Photo, I set the bar very low for myself, only requiring two posts a week. As per usual, I missed it anyway.

The point of this all is that I'm sorry I'm such a shitty blog author. I know I've said this a million times before, but I will try to be better. And I will force myself to use that post scheduler. I swear. Eventually. In the meantime, I'll console myself with the idea that maybe my nonexistent readers find my utter failure to follow a very lax schedule endearing, or at the very least amusing.

Happy Fourth of July!

Play these at the same time.

Stats Mania

I just discovered the wonder that is my Stats page. Some of the exciting things I found:

•  The most popular search term for getting to my blog, by far, is "the radium water worked fine until his jaw came off." Who knew there was such an untapped need out there to learn about Radioactive Quackery?
• Two lucky people, however, have found my blog by searching for "urinal spinny things." I don't know, and I really don't want to know.
• People have also found my blog searching for "habitat of the radish" and "band names that start with 'the holy'" (which I do not understand why I am a result for, and which also apparently happened today).
• I was visited a couple times by someone searching "if you can't tell if its potato borscht, there might be children working in the mines." I'd like to think I helped them out.
• Apparently I also get a lot of hits from my pathetic animation of a stick figure doing the Macarena. Because of this, this is also my most-viewed post of all time, which I feel is a little unfair to all my other awesome posts.
• People have viewed my blog from iPods, iPads, and iPhones. In fact, more people have visited my site on an iPhone than using Linux. (However, far more people have visited using Other Unix operating systems, which I find very interesting indeed. I guess I really do attract nerds.)
• My blog has been viewed three times from a fucking PSP.
• I have gotten hits from Iran, Brazil, Ukraine, Malaysia, Georgia, and Latvia. In fact, I got views from Latvia, Georgia, and Malaysia on this very day, which makes me feel very international.
• My grand, all-time total of page views as of right now is 8,859, which is about 8,850 more than I expected it to be. Thanks, random people!

Ever wondered how to write a good limerick?

Well, wonder no more- as always, Wikipedia has got your back, this time with a shockingly accurate limerick template.

There once was an X from place B,

Who satisfied predicate P,

The X did thing A,

In a specified way,

Resulting in circumstance C.

This bit of brilliance was found in the Wikipedia article for Meta-joke, which has some more frighteningly accurate and inexplicably funny joke templates, as well as a collection of other jokes about jokes.

Fucking Friday Photo

All right, I know that since it's past midnight I technically missed my Friday deadline, but I was close, dammit.

(source)

Weird Song Wednesday!

The Vans Song- The Suicide Machines

PS: Turn your volume way up around 2:24 for a surprise. You're welcome.

Belated Fucking Friday Photo

(source)

*slaps self across face*

For the love of God, did I seriously already forget a Fucking Friday Photo?

Yes, I fucking did.

For the sake of my own sanity, I'm going to blame the surgery I had on Thursday, but still. All I have are some stitches, nothing that incapacitates me enough that I can't post a photo. I am very sorry.

The good news is that I just discovered Blogger's post-scheduling function in the shmancy new post editor, so hopefully slip-ups like this will be far less frequent in the future. And, who knows? I may just be able to diddle with the scheduling so my usual sporadic bursts of updates look more like a steady stream of posts than they actually are!

Weird Song Wednesday!

Dear Dotti- Lunachicks

The First Fucking Friday Photo!

Edit 7/02/11:
So apparently flickr did not approve of my first Fucking Friday Photo. As of right now, it says the image is unavailable. I'll embed it again, but if it gets taken down again, hopefully this updated link will continue to work.

In Other News

I'm using the new post creator now! (Way to go Blogger, for hiding the upgrade in an obscure corner of the settings.) I can do so many exciting things now!

I can change my font! And change it again!And again! I can strike through things!  I can change the color of my writing and the area around it!   Wow, if I wanted to, I could make my blog doubly annoying by writing everything like that... but I won't. (Thank me.) I have an undo button now! I can add Posting Locations!

I CAN EVEN INSERT JUMP BREAKS!

The Avant Garden is like a boomerang....

...it always comes back when you least expect it!

Okay, maybe that's not like a boomerang. But anyway.

The important thing is that I'M BACK!!!

I'm sorry I didn't post much before now, but really, what was I thinking? The end of the school year is always the craziest. Also, by now my imaginary readers are very used to disappointment. That just comes with the randomness, baby! You know, the updates at random times. I completely do that on purpose.

However, for the summer at least, a little of that randomness is about to go away. I am hereby introducing two new Regular Features on this blog: Weird Song Wednesday and Fucking Friday Photo. Weird Song Wednesday is an attempt to incorporate my very, um, eclectic musical taste into my posting schedule. The Fucking Friday Photo is just to make my sporadic Random Photos into a regular thing. Don't worry, though, Random Photos will continue, particularly if I have some kind of commentary on them: the Fucking Friday Photo is only a picture.

So there you have it! Exciting happenings on the blog. Everyone who isn't reading this should be totally jealous.

PS- This is my 200th post on this blog. Time for a vote- am I more pathetic because I've posted 200 times on this pointless blog, or because it took me almost six years to get there? 

Hot damn, I've seriously had this blog six years?

It's Time To Play...

When The Hell Would You Use This Clipart?

Guess What?

I am posting from my math class! Cool, huh?

We're making a graph of trout populations. Seriously. I'm not missing out on much.

Hey Mom, You're A Mammal.

So, did anyone here ever watch Bill Nye the Science Guy? If you did, you remember they did these weird little parodies of songs about what he was teaching on that episode. They selected some odd songs to cover, including Let's Talk About Sex, but when I saw "Jennifer's A Mammal" I just had to go find it myself. It's every bit as weird as I thought it would be.


Mammals also drink Pepsi.

Soo-- happy Mother's Day from the Avant Garden.

Hello, Cruel World!

Summer is approaching! The Avant Garden is soon to resurrect! We so excited!

Provided I do not lose the will do do anything at all (which wouldn't be a first), postings of useless crap should continue irregularly from now until when my classes end.

Also, for those of you keeping track of how much of a winner I am:

Wikipedia Flotsam

One of Banacek's verbal signatures was the quotation of strangely worded yet curiously cogent "Polish" proverbs such as: "If you're not sure that it's potato borscht, there could be children working in the mines"; "Though the hippopotamus has no sting, the wise man would prefer to be sat upon by the bee"; "A wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn"; "If a wolf is after your sleigh - throw him a raisin cookie, but don't stop to bake him a cake"; and "Just because the cat has her kittens in the oven doesn't make them biscuits."

-from the article on Banacek, a 70s detective TV show set in Boston

The Holy Grail of Band Names

I have found the best source for band names ever, I think. It is this Wikipedia article. Seriously. Crayola has some unsung geniuses working for them, I think. Allow me to present you with some epic band names for your consideration in your rock star fantasies, and the kind of band I happen to think they'd fit.

Alien Armpit- That teenage garage band next door that plays loudly all day long during the summer.
Atomic Tangerine- The best fucking band in the WORLD.
AuroMetalSaurus- This has to be the best name for a techno/industrial band I have ever heard in the history of ever.
Banana Mania- Poppy little band that wishes it was still the eighties.
Big Dip O' Ruby- A band no one in their right mind would ever listen to.
Bittersweet Shimmer- A spacey dream pop band with unintelligible lyrics that may or may not be in Finnish. Uses fog machines heavily at their concerts.
Black Shadows- A metal band that might be Christian, or might be Satanists. No one can tell.
Brink Pink- This band is very catchy and was a critical darling until college radio played their big single to death.
Cool And Crazy- One of those annoying one-man acts who gave himself a band name anyway. Huge on YouTube.
Cyber Grape- The next big 8-bit dance music sensation.
Deep Space Sparkle- Legendary, enigmatic indie band that seemingly evaporates between albums, coalesces occasionally for jam-packed shows in NYC.
Electric Lime- Frequently atonal solo project of the singer of Laser Lemon.
Fuzzy Wuzzy- An experimental, highly artsy band that deeply resents anyone who dares to confuse them with Warm And Fuzzy. (Also, this is a weird shade of red-brown. What the hell, Crayola?)
Ghoulish Graham Cracker- A band that consists entirely of total nerds. Writes pretty cool songs, but gained most of their fan base from a painfully awkward, hilarious interview with a music magazine.
Illuminating Emerald- A dramatic band that people who try to look dark, goth, poetic, or otherwise disturbed listen to.
Jazzberry Jam- A free-form prog-rock jam band with a vibraphone player.
Key Lime Pearl- If it wasn't for Pandora, no one would know this band existed. First album: Cultured Pie.
Laser Lemon- A British synthpop duo that frequently tours with Atomic Tangerine.
Magic Mint- A rising stoner rock band that always plays dressed in green tracksuits.
Mauvelous- The kind of bizarre band hipsters live for. May actually suck, but no one wants to say it.
Mixed Veggies- Despite being one of the most disgusting, vomit-like color combos Crayola ever made, this would make a pretty sweet name for a band with a good sense of humor.
Neon Carrot- A ska band, unusual for their use of synthesizers and their lyrics, which typically deal with how much they hate various subcultures. Alternatively, a Pavement cover band.
Radical Red- A wannabe punk band that is trying a little too hard to be, um, radical.
Razzmatazz- A pop punk band with ridiculously over-the-top stage costumes. Alternatively, a Pulp cover band.
Robin's Egg Blue- A girl with a piano and a drummer who writes songs that are ethereally pretty as long as no one bothers to look up the lyrics...
Rotten Tooth Fairy- An angry, not particularly intelligent but greatly amusing all-girl punk band.
Screamin' Green- One insane guy with a drumset who is astoundingly well-liked by the music critics. Alternatively, a Screaming Trees cover band.
Smashed Pumpkin- Do I even need to say it? I have to give a nod to the folks over at Crayola for throwing this band reference most kids would never understand into their scented crayons.
Spiro Disco Ball- An indie band from Florida whose most popular songs make fun of TV shows.
Spring Frost- A very pretty acoustic folky act. Currently recording their next album in a shack north of the Arctic circle in Alaska.
Stonewashed- These poor guys never got the memo that Nickelback isn't cool anymore.
Sunburnt Cyclops- Indie rock outfit famed for their completely impenetrable lyrics, which some people think are deeply profound.
Sunglow- Surf rock revival. Their drummer is in five other bands, so they go on hiatus a lot.
Unmellow Yellow- A grungy band that's been around for years but still hasn't been "discovered."
Warm And Fuzzy- A hardcore thrash metal band that sacrifices stuffed animals at their concerts.
Wild Blue Yonder- A band that can't decide whether they should avoid country-like songs or not. The confusion is getting the better of them. A fan campaign to keep them from breaking up is in full force.
Wintergreen Dream- An obscure little band that writes absurdly happy songs and claps a lot.
Zombie Laundry- Everyone cool agrees this is the best band ever, even if you can only get their songs from MySpace.

----------------
Now playing: Dogs Die In Hot Cars - I Love You 'Cause I Have To
via FoxyTunes

QUALITY CAR CHASE

Watch this. Just watch it. I don't even need to break it down; the commenters already did that for me. You'll need to watch it a few times through to catch all the notes, but it is SO worth it. There are not many things that have actually made me cry laughing. This is one of them. Presenting: Indestructible Magical Quality Van, Annotated.

Fast Knitting.

And now, an actual quote from Wikipedia.

Confetti is commonly used at social gatherings such as parties, weddings, and Bar Mitzvahs, but is considered taboo at funerals.

-from the Wikipedia article on confetti, which seems to have been flagged for cleanup for almost two years. Hopefully nobody ever thinks to take out this glorious line.

----------------
Now playing: Pixies - Velouria
via FoxyTunes

Oh, Jarvis.

Huge props to L for giving this to me. This is a gif from the video for Common People by Pulp, which is rife with awkward dancing like this. It makes me really happy. I should probably go to bed... naaaah.

There will be another video breakdown, by the way, hopefully soon. There are just so many great possibilities out there... people make so many crappy videos.

Memes from Other Countries

...are actually really awesome.

Take Makmende, for example. His name is from a corruption of "make my day," as in "go ahead, make my day." He is the Kenyan Chuck Norris. (I'm serious- according to the infallible Wikipedia, "only Makmende could do or attempt to do the impossible.") He can appear anywhere, and he will fuck your shit up.


You will want to make this full-screen.

I have to admit, this is more badass than any English-speaking meme I've seen yet. Apparently "Makmende Amerudi!" is Swahili for "Makmende is Back!"

Also, "I feel really, like, engaged in this active process." Now, is this Engrish or the worst pick-up line ever? I don't know, but I find it really funny. This is probably because of the time. I also love how whenever he takes off his sunglasses, you know that shit's serious.

Say it with me now: Buuuurn.

His speeches leave the impression of an army of pompous phrases moving over the landscape in search of an idea. Sometimes these meandering words would actually capture a struggling thought and bear it triumphantly a prisoner in their midst, until it died of servitude and overwork.
–William McAdoo, on William G. Harding

It's like a perpetual motion machine...

You know you want to put this on repeat and stare at it for hours.

Happy New Year!

2011? Dude, weren't we supposed to be living on Mars by now?

Merry Christmas!!!

Sorry it's a little late. Happy Festivus, too! And Happy Hannukah to our Jewish friends. I'm sure it'd be terribly un-PC of me to admit that I don't actually know anyone who celebrates Kwanzaa, but Happy Kwanzaa anyway! (People who celebrate it must exist somewhere... right?)

Things I Want For Christmas:

A Fresnel lens.

Just read the link. Why would I want anything else?

----------------
Now playing: Old 97's - Timebomb
via FoxyTunes

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

This is where I've been the past month. hahahaha WOOHOO!

----------------
Now playing: Sleater-Kinney - Dig Me Out
via FoxyTunes

Random Link!

"Like the tone of a spoken voice, the characteristics of a typeface convey meaning. The design of the typeface is, in itself, its voice. Often this voice speaks louder than the text itself. Thus when designing a 'Do Not Enter' sign the use of a heavy-stroked, attention-commanding font such as Impact or Arial Black is appropriate. Typesetting such a message in Comic Sans would be ludicrous. Though this is sort of misuse is frequent, it is unjustified. Clearly, Comic Sans as a voice conveys silliness, childish naivete, irreverence, and is far too casual for such a purpose. It is analogous to showing up for a black tie event in a clown costume." (source)

Seen Comic Sans before? I'm sure you have, whether you know it or not. It's possibly one of the most misused (and overused) fonts in the world. Ban Comic Sans is a website entirely devoted to ending the Comic Sans pandemic.

WOO SPINNY

Question: Has a video ever been banned from MTV for something other than being offensive/graphic?
Answer: Yes.

"The promotional video made for this was banned by MTV after being played on 120 Minutes due to its nature, in which the camera zooms in and spins so fast around the band, who are playing in a subway with a harmonica player, that it would induce dizziness within the viewer."
-Wikipedia article on Rattled by the Rush, a single by Pavement

Da Da Da!

This video can be explained, somewhat. But first, just revel in the sheer crappy glory of this video.

And the sun rises in crappy CGI-land. Meanwhile, two meteors, a jet stream, and a ball of interstellar crap approach the earth, promising certain doom...
Or just a drunkenly dancing fire guy, an overeager water guy, a super happy... uh... dust guy, and a rather unenthusiastic... not even trying to identify this one.
Fire Guy is amused by Dust Guy's pointing.
What the hell is Fire Guy doing with his fingers...
Oh wow, Water Guy is totally rocking out.
I love that dancing right there. So awkward. So jerky.
WTF Guy is raisin' da roof.
That's a great idea, Fire Guy. I want to kill this video with fire too.
There is absolutely nothing I can say to make this dance more hilarious than it is. It feels appropriate that it appears to be Fire Guy's creation.
And now we have a fatal-looking ball of... um... colors, which symbolizes... um... I'm going to go with Daler Mehndi's love for the green screen.
I love the sketchy way Fire Guy just appears and puts an arm on Dust Guy's shoulder.
Oh my, look what Water Guy is doing with his hands. I shall dub it the Indian awkward turtle.
Fire Guy is amused once again.
Oh no, this time our favorite Magical Indian Wonder Twins are doing a variation on Dust Guy's favorite pointing dance, rather poorly synced.
I TAKE THAT BACK FROM EARLIER. I LOVE THIS DANCING MORE. Now THAT is Fiddler on the Roof worthy. I am totally busting that out the next time I am on a dance floor.
What the hell is it with Dust Guy and pointing?
And now the Wonder Twins convene enthusiastically in front of a fancy castle. Look at how Dust Guy is kind of bouncing. I'm also very worried that Fire Guy seemed to gesture to something under his velvet robe.
Be careful with that, Water Guy, you might hurt yourself.
I like these individual close-up shots. Oh, that last dance is a new one. Once again, Dust Guy does not disappoint.
Oh no, now Fire Guy is depressed! Luckily for him, his Magical Wonder Twins are determined to cheer him up. I mean, look how perky they all are. He seems unconvinced, but finally relents to their Magical Blinding Wonder Twin Secret Handshake, which restores things to order, as they do their stupid dance in sync once more.
Um, what is going on here, their dancing reminds me of seaweed. That is generally a bad thing to compare someone's dancing to.
It would appear WTF Guy has the power to make... uh... earth waves by banging on stone! I wonder what happens when he falls?
He can open bottomless abysses when he does so, too. This guy had better never trip on his crushed-velvet robe. The others disapprove of the bottomless abyss.
And things return to normal- that is, as normal as That Dancing could ever be.
Sadly, now it is time for the Magical Indian Wonder Twins to return to Magical India-WonderTwinLand. Fire Guy burns up, Water Guy... uh... gets all swirly and disappears, Dirt Guy is beamed up, and finally WTF guy explodes, becoming... okay, I give up.

There. Wasn't that a nice visit? Now I can explain this video. Have no fear, it only makes this more hilarious. This video is by one guy, an Indian pop star named Daler Mehndi, in 1998. It was the first Indian video to use a green screen, which made it wildly popular. So yes, as you secretly suspected, that video is seriously just one guy with a green screen. To add one final level of hilarity? Supposedly, Mehndi made the video in response to critics who claimed he was only popular because of the dancing models featured in his other videos.

Not-As-Popular Slogan: "Freedom Is In Peril"

Not only is this possibly one of the most amazing posters ever, but it has an interesting history too. If it wasn't for a stroke of good luck, this brilliant slogan might have been lost forever. Check it out.

Count how many times they say "aiin."

I am working on another video breakdown, but until I post it, have this. There is absolutely nothing I can say about this video... it speaks for itself. Oh, J-pop. I have always known your videos defy logic, but what the hell is this?

PS- this may help it make marginally more sense.

Random Photo

(source)

Bad Poetry, Oh Noetry

How about some back-to-school poetry? No? How about some back-to-school monorhyme poetry? What's that? You don't know what monorhyme is? It's where the same rhyme scheme is on everything. That's right. Every single line rhymes with every single other line. It's way harder than you'd think. Check it out.

title courtesy of toothpaste for dinner

Random Wiki

Did you know there are some languages that don't distinguish between blue and green?

NSFW, But Amazing

My personal favorite is "It's a pressure valve. It won't open unless there's tremendous pressure." I know most of the audience wouldn't know what a pressure valve does. That's highly specialized knowledge. Google informs me this is from Poseidon, which would not surprise me at all.

PS: If you're ever angry, watch the more NSFW but equally hilarious video The 100 Greatest Movie Insults of All Time.

Where the hell is Riga?

Play this charming little game from Lufthansa about their destinations and you too can see how badly you fail at European geography. (I know what you're thinking. You're a lot worse than you think you are.)

News Flash! *blink*

Well, I have some bad news for the three* of you that read this blog. Tomorrow I start school, which means any posts after this one will be uncertain. I'll probably be able to get in a few here and there still, but don't plan your life around it or anything.

Want a bit of news to make this a bit better? I have come across an alternative name for the Hair Chorus: Mount Rushmore. Is that not amazing?

Also, every time it says 1 Comments down below a post I die a little inside. Not because there are so few comments, of course (I'm used to my blog's pathetic readership), but because it's so damn gramatically incorrect. So do a good deed, spare me the irritation, and comment some more. I'll respond this time!

*I know I'm being a bit optimistic here

(I also know this post title was groan-worthy, and I apologize sincerely)

Things That Make You Feel Like An Idiot

Hand pointers.

By that, I mean sticks with a little pointing hand on the end of them, used to illustrate things on PowerPoint slides and exciting things like that. (They're a little creepy, now that I think about it.)
Sure, while using them they're nifty, but what do you do with them when you're done?

I have had to hold one of these for someone before. The thing is, with a pointer like this, you are always pointing at something or someone, whether you wish to or not. When you see it's pointing at some random person's leg you'll feel like a creep and then aim it at a table. Then you're realize how stupid it must look to be obviously pointing at a table and will casually flick it up to point at the ceiling. Shortly after this it will occur to you how bizarre pointing at the ceiling must look, and, humiliated, you point it at the ground before realizing that's not much better. In a final moment of desperation, you'll point the finger at yourself, before realizing that now you just look like an egotistical bastard. And then you give up and set the pointer down, trying desperately to ignore whatever you are calling attention to now.

No, there is just nothing good you can do with a hand pointer that is not in use.

Random Polaroid

(source)

Geek Prayers

firefly: Time for my prayers:
firefly: Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
firefly: May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
firefly: May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
firefly: Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
firefly: And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
firefly: Please don't give us root access on some poor d00d'z box when we're too pissed off to think about what's right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we'd appreciate it.
firefly: For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.

-from the magical random button of QDB

My Night = Made

I just found probably the most awesome thing in the history of ever- Java game emulators on the internet for platforms from the eighties and nineties. In other words, old games without having to download anything!!! My personal favorites are Nintendo8, which is where you'll find your old arcade games, and GBemul, which is where an astonishing amount of old GameBoy games can be found, even though for me some of them don't work. If you poke around a bit, though, you can get to Sega Master System games, Commodore 64 games, SNES games, and even DOS games. Prepare to have huge amounts of your time wasted.

I want a light to shine in my eyes

I usually avoid reposting things I find elsewhere, but this video was too amazing to pass up. I got it from BoingBoing. Full-screen is a must. Hold out to the end, it's worth it.

Didn't think I'd want it.

I actually have been doing a lot of non-blog writing lately, so here, have five whole random quotes! It's been way too long since I posted one of those anyway.

"You have to admit I’d make a pretty good Wo Fat. Do you think?"

"Well… it doesn’t have anything living in it."

"I’ll have you guys on standby if he pulls a gun or anything!"

"Oh, it better not have bubonic plague now."

"Now leave me to find my socks in peace."

(the title of this post was chosen by randomly scrolling in the same document until I found a sentence that was suitably short)

AKA this entire blog

blogorrhea- to write a blog entry just for the sake of posting an entry, not because you have done anything interesting today.

Random Song

Please do me a favor and listen to this song if you are able. It is so, so, so nice. I may be a bit biased, since it's off Smoosh's newest album and I am somewhat obsessive about them, but... really, go listen.

In The Fall- Smoosh

The spirit fights to find its way

(source)

Dancin' Dave & The Hair Chorus

My last video breakdown was rather morbid and disturbing. I admit that. So, I'm going to do another breakdown to make up for it. This time my target is not a creepy A-bomb test straight out of The Nuclear Age. This time I'm going more recent, into the eighties, long after the Cold War was dead (although nuclear testing was still going strong). Now a different culture ruled, driven by consumerism and prosperity, and this climate gave birth to... the music video. (After all that build-up, that feels like a really disappointing conclusion.)

So which hapless eighties band is going to be going under the microscope today? Depeche Mode. I'm sure you'll be surprised to learn that I actually like them, and that today's target is my absolute favorite song of theirs. What can I say? I'm an equal opportunity mocker, and this video was just asking for it. Sadly, I can't embed it, so you'll have to watch it yourself.

I like the stuff at the beginning. It fits the song. The reflections are absolutely hypnotizing. (full disclosure: I got three hours of sleep last night.)
I don't think anyone believes they're actually playing those instruments. Part of the reason I love Depeche Mode so much is because they have synthesizers. I don't know if my adoration of synthesizers has ever come up here before, even though maybe people have guessed at it.
Oh, and here is Dave. His sole purpose in the band is to sing. His sole purpose in this video is to dance. He is far better at one than the other. Henceforth, I shall refer to him as Dancin' Dave. His dancing is part heart attack and part violent twitching and jerking, with a dash of Rick Astley.
Here are the rest of the band members! They play the synthesizers. Sometimes they sing too. I want to know what the director was on when he decided that this... this... hair chorus was ever a good idea. I swear they are arranged in descending order by the height of their hair.
Okay, Cameraman, you can stop zooming now. Uh, Cameraman? Hello? Cameraman? Please stop, I don't need to see this much of Martin Gore...
Woah! The good news is, we now have neon. The bad news is, we also have Double Dancin' Dave! Watch the awkward dancing in stereo.
They need to stop superimposing Dancin' Dave over everything. I actually like these scenes in the background, and they fit the song, but I have a hard time watching them because of Dave doing his best Never Gonna Give You Up dance in front of everything. Oh, no, wait, I take that back, he's back to jumping around again. And all this time there are lovely office buildings going by in the background. Do you see what I mean?
I really like that wall.
The hair chorus is back! Martin really looks like he doesn't want to be there. Alan Wilder (guy in the middle) is getting really into it, though. (Fun fact- he's the guy responsible for those amazing bloopy noises in the background of the choruses.)
Dancin' Dave and the Chorus are on the screen at the same time. I don't know if I can handle this.
This bit with the ladder screws with my head. I'm very happy Dave isn't dancin' away over this bit, too. My brain might explode.
I have seen this video many times. I have pondered very deeply over the possible significance of this piece. But I am still utterly befuddled by the people in robes jumping up and down.
Hooray, it's Martin's toy harmonica! I have seen it in action before.
I am less amazed by the random beach than I am by the notable absence of Dancin' Dave. What happened? Oh, no, wait, there they all are. Martin's gravity-defying hair was the first thing I noticed. How he escaped being first in the Hair Chorus, I have no idea.
So you want to do an epic spinning band shot around a statue. Said statue has a square base. The band has four members. What do you do? Put each member of the Hair Chorus on a side and awkwardly stick Dancin' Dave on a corner. Obviously. (Why do I notice this stuff?)
And now they're all sitting in mysterious chairs on the beach. What a nice ending. My brain hurts.

The Leaflets

I just picked this up around the internet, so sadly I can't credit it to anyone. Whoever made it is brilliant, however. It's the most amazing mondegreen I have yet seen. Can you figure out what it's from?

(PS: All my Wikipedia links are secure now because I use this Firefox add-on. You should check it out.)

This Post Is For Sophisticated Upper-Class Educated Individuals

Recently, I read The Great Gatsby. Then I came across this comic. It is perfect for the book. If you have ever read The Great Gatsby, even if it was thirty years ago, go read it. You will be happy, I promise. If you aren't happy, I am terribly sorry, try listening to this song. If that doesn't make you happy, you probably have no soul, and I can't do anything about that.

If you haven't read The Great Gatsby, just hold out for my next post.

Mannequins, H-Bombs, and Radioactive Roast Beef

Remember how I broke down that video of Sedated Shaun not so long ago? That was so much fun, I decided to do it again. But this time, I'm taking down a video of Operation Cue, a nuclear bomb test in Nevada in 1955.

I'm not sure what these Sheeple Files mentioned at the beginning are, but I like them already.
A real-life nuclear detonation broadcast on TV? Damn, TV ain't what it used to be.
I think I might have spotted Pinnochio's cousin. No, really, go back and look at that person wrapped up in white. The hell?
Somehow the presence of a white truck clearly labeled Casualty Control does not make this feel very safe. That implies there will be casualties and they're only there to make sure they don't get too out of hand.
I'm looking for volunteer work right now. Unfortunately, I haven't had the luck to find a chance to observe an H-bomb test from a "trench relatively close to Ground Zero." It's the most exciting way to get cancer around!
I love that the goggles are considered the only protection necessary.
That countdown interspersed with vague shadowy scenes looks straight out of a horror movie.
Listen to that music right after the bomb goes off. It's amazing.
And now for some footage of the Test Objects, as Mrs. Narrator so delicately called them, getting blown to hell.
Keep listening to the background music. It sounds like the Closet Killer Paramount theme in places. I think they put more effort into the soundtrack than the video. I also think whoever wrote this soundtrack was a good bit more frightened of the test than Mrs. Narrator, who remains blithely excited through the whole video.
I saw the video of the house at 2:25 in a documentary about nukes as a small child. It may have scarred me for life.
Oh. My. God. Were mannequins really necessary for this test??? Namely, child mannequins? Those things are creepy enough without a context... Also, because the joke had to be made: That house was so built for a nuclear family.
Yes, wait twenty-four hours to view the wreckage. By that point everything should be through except the radiation, and who cares about that?
The concrete bunker house survived! What a surprise.
Okay, new Mr. Narrator, I know you're happy your improvements did something, but I don't think more structural integrity is going to help when there's no roof and nothing left inside the house.
How are we supposed to tell that blast shelters cannot be relied on from that shot? It looks like their mannequin test subjects are doing just fine. Then again, mannequins usually look like they're doing just fine.
Hooray for reinforced bathrooms! If the apocalypse comes while you're on the john, you should be just fine.
Awkward handshake sighted.
Who cares about everything else- if we get bombed tomorrow, the consumer-sized tanks of petroleum should be intact! Civilization shall live on!
I like how this video assumes that if the Reds push the button, the first order of business in the US will be to make sure the oil is okay, the electricity is on, and the radio is broadcasting. They had fallout shelters for the government, after all, so everyone important would be okay.
"Do you remember this young lady?" I don't think I want to.
I really do not think what the blast did to the mannequin's clothes should be a priority.
His new dark suit is charred? I think he looks a bit charred himself.
Mmmm, potentially irradiated roast beef. Nice to know that after the nuclear holocaust, we'll at least have delicious food.
Thanks for reminding us it's a test. I would have thought some random houses in the middle of the desert filled with mannequins would be an ideal target for the Soviets.
"Multimegaton weapons would result in much greater damage over a larger area." NO SHIT
Let me amend that last sentence: "...as we plan for the survival of our homes, our families, our mannequins, our radio stations, our electricity, our oil supply, our delicious roast beef, and our nation in... The Nuclear Age."

Is there anything you'd like to share with us, Batman?

(source)

There's a lot more twistedness where this came from over at Comically Vintage. Check it out.

shit, I did it again!

Do you enjoy tenderizing the plant?

Need to describe a certain, um, act? Want to describe it in a way that is so original and vague that it makes whatever, um, act you are referring to sound a million times dirtier than it actually is? Try The Always Amusing Euphemism Generator! Here is a sample result for you: "You give me five hundred dollars, I give you the negatives, and no one has to know you were pillaging the royal porcupine." Now you try it!

I really need to stop making my post titles rhetorical questions.

Why I Hate My Cell Phone Camera

1. Point camera at object. Move and tilt camera until object is mostly in frame.

2. Attempt to get camera to focus.

3. Once camera is in perfect focus, mash down on camera button and hope it will take a picture.

4. Camera either slips out of focus just as picture is taken or goes into video mode. If the latter happens, fumble to get the camera back into picture mode and repeat process.

5. (optional) If the resulting picture is intolerably blurry, you may delete it and try again; just keep in mind this increases the chance the next picture will be blurrier than the first by 70%.

6. Once the picture is finally taken, discover that how you tilted the camera to get the object in the frame resulted in the picture being upside down in a way that no amount of gyroscope-tilting will fix.

Bag Your Face!

1. I love that this seems more like a nature documentary than anything else.
2. I know most of these girls have about three brain cells, but you have to admit that imitating that like whole valleygirl way of, like, talking is like sooo much fun, y'know? I am sure.

Random FAQs

So, do you actually read all the blogs in your blogroll?
Naaaaaah. Contrary to popular belief, I actually have a life sometimes.

Which ones do you read?
That's a trade secret, buddy.

If you don't read them, then why are they here?
Because I like having a huge, impressive, slightly annoying blogroll. I also use that list as something of a backup for my bookmarks. If I like a blog, it goes there, whether I actually check it or not.

And your other link list, what's up with that?
That is for sites that I like that are not blogs. They only go there if I know the sites themselves will probably never be posted, the exception being New England Ruins.

Your color scheme is really fucking annoying, will you ever change it? I hear Blogger has a fancy new template editor you can use to look all Web 2.0.
NEVAR! The Avant Garden is going to remain neon for a very, very long time. I don't care about being Web 2.0, isn't that so last year anyway? One day in the distant, vague future I may redesign, but you can rest easy- the redesign will be no less "fucking annoying."

What about your playlist, do you listen to everything there or is that just to be impressive too?
How dare you suggest such things? Of course I listen to everything on that playlist. That is where songs I really like go. Insult the wrong one and I may virtually behead you.

I went through all your interesting internet locales. What the hell is wrong with you?
Teehee.

Say it with me: Imperturbability

What suggestions of imperturbability and being, as against the human trait of mere seeming. Then the qualities, almost emotional, palpably artistic, heroic, of a tree; so innocent and harmless, yet so savage. It is, yet says nothing.

-Page 139

Come on, read a little Walt Whitman. It'll make you more cultured. And he writes prose almost exactly like he writes poetry. If you look hard enough you might find some descriptions of New York and Boston in 1887 when this was published, as well as some discourses the Civil War, a few men dying, and a lot of talking about nature.

PS: Pages 313-320. Don't ask questions, just go see.

Oh, C'mon, He's Just Perky

And now, a random quote from my NaNoWriMo project:

“I had… coffee. Lots of coffee. Coffee is good,” he said abruptly.

Random Song!

This song is absolutely hilarious, and whoever played Barbie did an amazing job. However, this version has the band wrong. Who actually made this cover is a source of epic debate on YouTube. I think most of the evidence points to Home Grown, myself, but a lot of versions attribute it to MxPx (like here) or even Good Charlotte. This was the best quality version I found on YouTube, though. Try to ignore the shitty video. Enjoy!

293-7663

With PhoNETic, you can find out the exciting possibilities your phone number (or your friend's, or your mom's, or the one from that annoying infomercial) hides. For example, why be 123-4567 when you can be 12-films? Or why be 1-627-826-3789 (a number from a song) when you can be 1-oar-tamer-89 or 1-map-VA-nervy? There is endless fun to be had here!

It's more irritating than the colors of my blog!

Do you use Firefox? Do you have the Personas add-on? Do you think you spend too much time surfing the web? A cure has finally arrived.

Through modern technology, a Persona has been developed that is so bright, so frantic, so annoying, that you will only be concerned with making it go away as quickly as possible. You'll be amazed by how easy it is to quit surfing once it's installed.

Side effects may include headaches, irritability, eye strain, excessive cursing, and an aversion to bright colors. Not recommended for those with epilepsy.

Here it is... The Miracle Cure!

And Everybody Knows One

Swans sing before they die-- t'were no bad thing
did certain persons die before they sing.

-Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Random Photo

(source)

I Write Like... The Ramones?

Ever wish there was a nice, easy way you could analyze how someone writes? Yeah, me neither. However, someone out there has taken it upon themselves to create an algorithm based on a spam filter (alarm bells are going off already) to tell, from only a few blocks of your writing, which famous author you are most similar to in style! Awesome, huh? Well... we'll see about that.

I started out by feeding I Write Like some chunks of my own writing from various points of view, because I am an egoist. Comparisons to David Foster Wallace met every piece of what I wrote for NaNoWriMo. As I started to think this might not be so horrible, I tried some paragraphs from a completely different short story of mine. Two separate parts from this same piece resulted in Isaac Asimov and Stephen King. What?

At this point I decided to have some fun with song lyrics. My favorite piece of an utterly twisted punk song resulted in Kurt Vonnegut, which I found appropriate. But what about something less obvious? The lyrics of Baba O'Riley were attributed to Margaret Atwood. I can't decide whether this is more of a compliment to the song or an insult to Mrs. Atwood. My Humps was compared to Mark Twain. (Mr. Twain, I would like to personally say that I am so, so sorry.) The lyrics to the blogosphere's favorite Insane Clown Posse song, Miracles, were given to William Gibson. A quick search reveals that he is considered the founder of the cyberpunk movement, and is probably not a believer in "pure motherfucking magic."

But no more messing around! It was time for me to pull out the big guns, lyric-wise: The Ramones. I put in I Wanna Be Sedated, careful to include every last repetition, and got... Stephen King. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. This certainly obliterated any feeling of being complimented that getting Stephen King earlier for my own writing gave me.

One final fun fact: This post was allegedly written in the style of Cory Doctorow. I wish.

So Many Attractions...

Breaking News! A tourism press release from Massachusetts reveals that there are, in fact, not 1,000 places worth seeing in the state. There are 996- and some of them no longer exist. Well, I know where I'm going for a day trip this weekend!

Time to put ze ear goggles on!

Burning Question of the Day

What would happen if you put a lightbulb inside a mirrored sphere? The light would have nowhere to go, wouldn't it? What would that look like?

Thank God we have crazy people on the internet to test these things out for us.

Dr. Evil Eyes kills his wife!

I am going to spotlight another new addition to my blogroll again, because I know that thing is huge and likely nobody will ever trek through every one of the marvels it contains. This tumblr was practically made for people like me. It has nostalgic pictures, great retro graphics, and little bits of twistedness- what more could you want?

(Don't believe me about the little bits of twistedness? The title of this post was taken from my personal favorite snip from the site.)

Need to get to Nirvana? (It's not that hard.)

I'm sorry about the dearth of posting lately- I've been taking a summer class. How studious of me. However, tonight I realized that was no excuse to be slacking off on posts, considering that I can write one in 5 minutes. I promise I'll be more reliable from now on.

This amazing picture is probably the most fun visualization of music I've seen, even if I think some of the classifications are a little iffy. Just click on it for the supermegahuge version, and feel free to spend the next 10 minutes tracing the route from X band you like to Y band you like. (What? It's what I did.)

Bothered By Street Art?

Maddened by graffiti? Enraged by stickers? Put off by posters? Saddened by stencils? Here's your solution:
(source)

Where Can I Sleep Tonight?

This gallery is such a win in so many ways. For one thing, it's about the blossoming underground music scene in Beijing, which is an interesting enough topic on its own. But it also has some amazing portraits of the people involved in these bands, and songs by a few choice bands. It's amazing how many of them sing in English. The songs are good, too. My favorites are the first two, "Cat" and "Beijing Is Not My Home." (That one also has a kick-ass bassline.)

yes, this was intended to be put up yesterday. my apologies.

Wishful Thinking in Zürich

From the website of the Hotel Opera in Zürich:
(source)
I think this speaks for itself.

America is Grand!

Happy Fourth of July to everyone in America! This picture is a negative of the US flag. Stare at that little dot in the middle (no, that isn't something with your screen like I thought it was) for a while and you'll have an afterimage of the Stars and Stripes in front of everything you look at. That's very patriotic, isn't it?

In recent All-American news, Lady Gaga has now surpassed President Obama in Facebook fans. Happy birthday, America!

In honor of the Fourth, I am going to be posting some exciting things that are not American. (What? This is the Avant Garden. Nothing makes sense.)

Step aside noobs!

Today's random video is for the geeks among us. Enjoy!