DO YOU WANT MARRY ?

At long last... a new video breakdown!


You know, it's always good to start a music video with a dramatic scene, like a death, a fight, or shooting a TV.

80s videos love pretending the artists are playing the actual instrument instead of its synthesized equivalent. Sorry, dude, you aren't fooling anyone with your pipe organ there.

Is there some significance to the random shoelace on his hand?

So our broody artist is nonchalantly writing a song on his little keyboard while his girlfriend stares at him, because she has nothing better to do.

I don't care if she was supposed to make him knock over the glass. Broody Artist is an idiot for leaving the glass an inch from his hand on the edge of the table to begin with. However, luckily for him, the liquid as well as the lemon magically vanish before the glass smashes.

"Oh, honey, let me get that giant chunk of broken glass for you!" "I don't know if you should, baby- looks like you got a glob of ketchup on you somehow."

What the- is that, like, a school picture? Okay, this is officially creepy.

Broody Artist wants YOU! Seriously, pause it, he looks like Uncle Sam in his younger, druggier days.

Oh, he's just hallucinating again. No big deal.

Broody Artist has the exact same drink in the club as he did at home because Broody Artist knows what he likes. Broody Artist also knows he is far too cool for all this. After all, he wears pilgrim hats and studded belts and drinks pink cocktails.

Okay, that tear is nowhere near her eye. Whoever put it on with a dropper wasn't even trying.

Things I Learned From Eighties Music Videos: If your girlfriend is crying, shove her off the bed- she'll love it.

"Howdy, everyone! Man, the fog out there is awful! Hey, what's the problem? It's not my sweet studded belt, is it?"

Funny how Broody Artist is imploring the girl not to push him aside after shoving aside everyone in the room.

Oh, I see, she's getting married to someone else! Then why is everyone dancing? Is it the groovy presence of Broody Artist?

Dress Hits Floor!

What the fuck is this, the Cult of the Computer or something?

Wow, that guy she is marrying has sweet hair. For some reason he reminds me of a muskrat.

Broody Artist can't bear to look as he comes in from the all-encompassing white fog... again. This video has no continuity.

Please Enter Names and Insert Disk. Maybe they're just registering for their taxes in formal attire.

It's nice how he holds the Most Holy Floppy Disk up so the light can shine through it. Too bad the computer seems to be malfunctioning. (No, really. There is static on that screen. No continuity..)

Finally, Broody Artist can bear to look! Unfortunately, Muskrat Groom chooses this moment to assert his power... or something.

Look what you've done now, Broody Artist! That bizarre ribbon on your hand has made her weep from the area around her eye!

Do these people have a masochistic relationship? First she loves being shoved off the bed, and then he finds it unbearably sexy when she slaps him?

I guess it's supposed to show he really loves the chick that he lets her steal his hat (which he has never taken off at any other point in this video, not even in the bedroom scene). Or maybe he didn't let her steal it... damn, well, there goes that.

Now Broody Artist has got everyone at the ceremony to dance poorly to his song! Stop hijacking the wedding, bastard.

Oh, nice, chuck your shitty music at the couple. I'm sure they appreciate that.

Of course she happens to get the page with ONLY YOU in giant fucking letters on it.

Okay. Pause right here and soak in DO YOU WANT MARRY ?. This is the reason I decided to break down this godawful video. Apparently, in the future priests will be made obsolete by computers with atrocious grammar. I could ask the point of entering their names when it doesn't even display them, but I secretly hope that the final screen of this program would say "X AND Y WANT MARRY !" with the kind of animation at the end of Atari Adventure, so I'll keep it to myself.

Broody Artist has teleported to the plug! Hooray! So he rips it out and saves the day! Wait... actually, pulling the plug did nothing. What?

Instead of answering DO YOU WANT MARRY ?, the bride wisely decides to do the hokey pokey instead.

Forced to desperate measures, Broody Artist pulls a gun out of thin air! Things are about to get VIOLENT! The maker of the first first-person shooter may have been inspired by this video.

As not-so-subtly implied at the beginning of the video, he shoots DO YOU WANT MARRY ? and saves the day before vanishing into the Mysterious White Fog without even retrieving his song. Now there's a story for the ages.

QUALITY CAR CHASE

Watch this. Just watch it. I don't even need to break it down; the commenters already did that for me. You'll need to watch it a few times through to catch all the notes, but it is SO worth it. There are not many things that have actually made me cry laughing. This is one of them. Presenting: Indestructible Magical Quality Van, Annotated.

Da Da Da!

This video can be explained, somewhat. But first, just revel in the sheer crappy glory of this video.

And the sun rises in crappy CGI-land. Meanwhile, two meteors, a jet stream, and a ball of interstellar crap approach the earth, promising certain doom...
Or just a drunkenly dancing fire guy, an overeager water guy, a super happy... uh... dust guy, and a rather unenthusiastic... not even trying to identify this one.
Fire Guy is amused by Dust Guy's pointing.
What the hell is Fire Guy doing with his fingers...
Oh wow, Water Guy is totally rocking out.
I love that dancing right there. So awkward. So jerky.
WTF Guy is raisin' da roof.
That's a great idea, Fire Guy. I want to kill this video with fire too.
There is absolutely nothing I can say to make this dance more hilarious than it is. It feels appropriate that it appears to be Fire Guy's creation.
And now we have a fatal-looking ball of... um... colors, which symbolizes... um... I'm going to go with Daler Mehndi's love for the green screen.
I love the sketchy way Fire Guy just appears and puts an arm on Dust Guy's shoulder.
Oh my, look what Water Guy is doing with his hands. I shall dub it the Indian awkward turtle.
Fire Guy is amused once again.
Oh no, this time our favorite Magical Indian Wonder Twins are doing a variation on Dust Guy's favorite pointing dance, rather poorly synced.
I TAKE THAT BACK FROM EARLIER. I LOVE THIS DANCING MORE. Now THAT is Fiddler on the Roof worthy. I am totally busting that out the next time I am on a dance floor.
What the hell is it with Dust Guy and pointing?
And now the Wonder Twins convene enthusiastically in front of a fancy castle. Look at how Dust Guy is kind of bouncing. I'm also very worried that Fire Guy seemed to gesture to something under his velvet robe.
Be careful with that, Water Guy, you might hurt yourself.
I like these individual close-up shots. Oh, that last dance is a new one. Once again, Dust Guy does not disappoint.
Oh no, now Fire Guy is depressed! Luckily for him, his Magical Wonder Twins are determined to cheer him up. I mean, look how perky they all are. He seems unconvinced, but finally relents to their Magical Blinding Wonder Twin Secret Handshake, which restores things to order, as they do their stupid dance in sync once more.
Um, what is going on here, their dancing reminds me of seaweed. That is generally a bad thing to compare someone's dancing to.
It would appear WTF Guy has the power to make... uh... earth waves by banging on stone! I wonder what happens when he falls?
He can open bottomless abysses when he does so, too. This guy had better never trip on his crushed-velvet robe. The others disapprove of the bottomless abyss.
And things return to normal- that is, as normal as That Dancing could ever be.
Sadly, now it is time for the Magical Indian Wonder Twins to return to Magical India-WonderTwinLand. Fire Guy burns up, Water Guy... uh... gets all swirly and disappears, Dirt Guy is beamed up, and finally WTF guy explodes, becoming... okay, I give up.

There. Wasn't that a nice visit? Now I can explain this video. Have no fear, it only makes this more hilarious. This video is by one guy, an Indian pop star named Daler Mehndi, in 1998. It was the first Indian video to use a green screen, which made it wildly popular. So yes, as you secretly suspected, that video is seriously just one guy with a green screen. To add one final level of hilarity? Supposedly, Mehndi made the video in response to critics who claimed he was only popular because of the dancing models featured in his other videos.

Dancin' Dave & The Hair Chorus

My last video breakdown was rather morbid and disturbing. I admit that. So, I'm going to do another breakdown to make up for it. This time my target is not a creepy A-bomb test straight out of The Nuclear Age. This time I'm going more recent, into the eighties, long after the Cold War was dead (although nuclear testing was still going strong). Now a different culture ruled, driven by consumerism and prosperity, and this climate gave birth to... the music video. (After all that build-up, that feels like a really disappointing conclusion.)

So which hapless eighties band is going to be going under the microscope today? Depeche Mode. I'm sure you'll be surprised to learn that I actually like them, and that today's target is my absolute favorite song of theirs. What can I say? I'm an equal opportunity mocker, and this video was just asking for it. Sadly, I can't embed it, so you'll have to watch it yourself.

I like the stuff at the beginning. It fits the song. The reflections are absolutely hypnotizing. (full disclosure: I got three hours of sleep last night.)
I don't think anyone believes they're actually playing those instruments. Part of the reason I love Depeche Mode so much is because they have synthesizers. I don't know if my adoration of synthesizers has ever come up here before, even though maybe people have guessed at it.
Oh, and here is Dave. His sole purpose in the band is to sing. His sole purpose in this video is to dance. He is far better at one than the other. Henceforth, I shall refer to him as Dancin' Dave. His dancing is part heart attack and part violent twitching and jerking, with a dash of Rick Astley.
Here are the rest of the band members! They play the synthesizers. Sometimes they sing too. I want to know what the director was on when he decided that this... this... hair chorus was ever a good idea. I swear they are arranged in descending order by the height of their hair.
Okay, Cameraman, you can stop zooming now. Uh, Cameraman? Hello? Cameraman? Please stop, I don't need to see this much of Martin Gore...
Woah! The good news is, we now have neon. The bad news is, we also have Double Dancin' Dave! Watch the awkward dancing in stereo.
They need to stop superimposing Dancin' Dave over everything. I actually like these scenes in the background, and they fit the song, but I have a hard time watching them because of Dave doing his best Never Gonna Give You Up dance in front of everything. Oh, no, wait, I take that back, he's back to jumping around again. And all this time there are lovely office buildings going by in the background. Do you see what I mean?
I really like that wall.
The hair chorus is back! Martin really looks like he doesn't want to be there. Alan Wilder (guy in the middle) is getting really into it, though. (Fun fact- he's the guy responsible for those amazing bloopy noises in the background of the choruses.)
Dancin' Dave and the Chorus are on the screen at the same time. I don't know if I can handle this.
This bit with the ladder screws with my head. I'm very happy Dave isn't dancin' away over this bit, too. My brain might explode.
I have seen this video many times. I have pondered very deeply over the possible significance of this piece. But I am still utterly befuddled by the people in robes jumping up and down.
Hooray, it's Martin's toy harmonica! I have seen it in action before.
I am less amazed by the random beach than I am by the notable absence of Dancin' Dave. What happened? Oh, no, wait, there they all are. Martin's gravity-defying hair was the first thing I noticed. How he escaped being first in the Hair Chorus, I have no idea.
So you want to do an epic spinning band shot around a statue. Said statue has a square base. The band has four members. What do you do? Put each member of the Hair Chorus on a side and awkwardly stick Dancin' Dave on a corner. Obviously. (Why do I notice this stuff?)
And now they're all sitting in mysterious chairs on the beach. What a nice ending. My brain hurts.

Mannequins, H-Bombs, and Radioactive Roast Beef

Remember how I broke down that video of Sedated Shaun not so long ago? That was so much fun, I decided to do it again. But this time, I'm taking down a video of Operation Cue, a nuclear bomb test in Nevada in 1955.

I'm not sure what these Sheeple Files mentioned at the beginning are, but I like them already.
A real-life nuclear detonation broadcast on TV? Damn, TV ain't what it used to be.
I think I might have spotted Pinnochio's cousin. No, really, go back and look at that person wrapped up in white. The hell?
Somehow the presence of a white truck clearly labeled Casualty Control does not make this feel very safe. That implies there will be casualties and they're only there to make sure they don't get too out of hand.
I'm looking for volunteer work right now. Unfortunately, I haven't had the luck to find a chance to observe an H-bomb test from a "trench relatively close to Ground Zero." It's the most exciting way to get cancer around!
I love that the goggles are considered the only protection necessary.
That countdown interspersed with vague shadowy scenes looks straight out of a horror movie.
Listen to that music right after the bomb goes off. It's amazing.
And now for some footage of the Test Objects, as Mrs. Narrator so delicately called them, getting blown to hell.
Keep listening to the background music. It sounds like the Closet Killer Paramount theme in places. I think they put more effort into the soundtrack than the video. I also think whoever wrote this soundtrack was a good bit more frightened of the test than Mrs. Narrator, who remains blithely excited through the whole video.
I saw the video of the house at 2:25 in a documentary about nukes as a small child. It may have scarred me for life.
Oh. My. God. Were mannequins really necessary for this test??? Namely, child mannequins? Those things are creepy enough without a context... Also, because the joke had to be made: That house was so built for a nuclear family.
Yes, wait twenty-four hours to view the wreckage. By that point everything should be through except the radiation, and who cares about that?
The concrete bunker house survived! What a surprise.
Okay, new Mr. Narrator, I know you're happy your improvements did something, but I don't think more structural integrity is going to help when there's no roof and nothing left inside the house.
How are we supposed to tell that blast shelters cannot be relied on from that shot? It looks like their mannequin test subjects are doing just fine. Then again, mannequins usually look like they're doing just fine.
Hooray for reinforced bathrooms! If the apocalypse comes while you're on the john, you should be just fine.
Awkward handshake sighted.
Who cares about everything else- if we get bombed tomorrow, the consumer-sized tanks of petroleum should be intact! Civilization shall live on!
I like how this video assumes that if the Reds push the button, the first order of business in the US will be to make sure the oil is okay, the electricity is on, and the radio is broadcasting. They had fallout shelters for the government, after all, so everyone important would be okay.
"Do you remember this young lady?" I don't think I want to.
I really do not think what the blast did to the mannequin's clothes should be a priority.
His new dark suit is charred? I think he looks a bit charred himself.
Mmmm, potentially irradiated roast beef. Nice to know that after the nuclear holocaust, we'll at least have delicious food.
Thanks for reminding us it's a test. I would have thought some random houses in the middle of the desert filled with mannequins would be an ideal target for the Soviets.
"Multimegaton weapons would result in much greater damage over a larger area." NO SHIT
Let me amend that last sentence: "...as we plan for the survival of our homes, our families, our mannequins, our radio stations, our electricity, our oil supply, our delicious roast beef, and our nation in... The Nuclear Age."

...but they LIED.

I have recently discovered a new series of anti-drug PSAs. They're from drugfreeworld.org and they all follow the same formula:
1. Kid says "They said taking *insert drug here* would make me *insert adjective here*."
2. Puzzling video montage showing bad things happening to Kid
3. Kid voiceover going "They lied!"
Now, this in itself is just a recipe for cheesiness. To my surprise, a few of them were actually pretty well done. A few. The rest are varying degrees of wtf-inducing bad. I picked out the three worst to share with you.

In third place, we have Bad Trip, or Why E Is Scary:

My main issue with this one is that there is absolutely no reason offered as to why E is bad. It only appears to make you scared or tired or something (I still can't figure out to save my life what the hell is going on in this video) and gives you confusing hallucinations with funky Europop background music. The only actual message offered is that it isn't fun.
Also, I really love the way this girl says "they lied." Go on, just go listen to it again.

In second place we have Sedated Shaun, or Why Painkillers Make You Creepy:

Okay. I have a lot of issues with this video. I'll just go through them in the order they appear here.
Even if you're Abusing painkillers the way this video is talking about, you don't usually take pills in giant handfuls the way this kid does. I mean, holy crap. Also, is it even possible to pop that many without water?
Depressing music FTW.
How the hell does this kid get from place to place, teleporting? I mean, it's implied that he's too sedated to walk or even talk.
For someone that heavily medicated, he plays damn good piano. The rest of the commercial makes you expect him to just faceplant on the keys.
Is it just me, or is the scene with him in front of the curtains really freaking creepy?
Holy soap-opera acting, batman!
I like how when he OD's he conveniently has a whole empty bottle of pills right next to him, even though previously he never took any out of the bathroom. They are leaving nothing to assumption here.
And finally- WHY IS HE RANDOMLY STANDING IN A POOL FULLY CLOTHED? After OD'ing, no less! Why? Why????

And, in first place! The winner is Infinite Insanity, or Why Acid Is... Fun?

I. Love. This. Clip. Is it just me, or does it make acid look really fun? Why couldn't they have broken out the fancy Confusing Hallucination Effects on this PSA instead of the E one? It would actually make sense here.
Note the amount of times he appears wearing stereotypical hippie gear. Fail, drugfreeworld.org, epic fail.
And finally- the rambling. That alone was enough to get this video first place. I LOVE the rambling. If you don't have the patience to keep watching it until you get it all, allow me to take it down-
"There's a separate universe inside each and every one of us. You kill 'em. We're not gonna kill 'em. Reality is the prison of the mind, and when we die, black holes of our mind open up, and we're forced through the gates to infinite insanity."
Yeaaaah, man. Is it really only acid that can make you have this kind of deep funky thoughts? I thought pretty much any type of psychoactive drug would. Either way, it's great.

Not just for the few!

This is a hilarious 70s PSA. Not only is the song a hell of an earworm, it makes VD (more commonly known today as STDs) sound like something everyone wants- I mean, it's for everyone, and the people in the pictures are all happy and doing well. And the picture of the baby puzzled me- it could be a veiled reference that sex gives you a VD, or implying (as I took it as at first glance) that you can even get this terrible (or, as most would take from the context, wonderful) VD thing from a baby. Huh?

BY THE WAY: It's officially summertime! Guess what that means- more blogging! I know I haven't posted for a long long time, but now that it's summer I'm not busy! Yay!